So after giving in and actually testing the Tinder waters, I am officially swiping left and leaving this party.
Just to clarify and reiterate, I was never actually interested in participating in this judgmental dating app; my coworker Ershley installed Tinder on my phone one evening after work during cocktail hour. But ok, fine, I got curious and dipped my toe in the “shallow” end to see how things would pan out.
And what I found wasn’t pretty.
Listen, I completely understand that since Tinder only allows you to post about 5 photos of yourself, you want to put your best (aka most attractive/ badass) foot forward. But really, I’m dumbfounded that girls actually like:
*shirtless selfies: I get it. You have a 6 pack. You still look like a douche. Stop pursing your lips. It’s not cute.
*photos of you surfing: I get it. You like the ocean. You like to ride waves. So do a lot of people in SoCal. What else makes you special?
*photos of you with a tiger: A SURPRISINGLY high amount of guys have apparently met a live tiger. I don’t understand this phenomenon.
*photos of you holding a baby: Is that your kid? Or a nephew? Or your kid sitting next to your nephew? Or do you just pose with stunt babies at the mall to attract chicks?
*5 photos of you with your man-posse: Seriously, WHICH ONE ARE YOU, bro?!
*3 photos that don’t even remotely show anything about you: Shout-out to the guy who had one image of a cat, one of a tree, and one of a sky…put the bong down and upload at least one pic of yourself, stoner.
Fact: there is an overwhelming amount of self-absorbed douche-nozzles on Tinder. To make things simple, I’ll break it down by the TYPE of douche:
*the unnecessarily rude dude: One of my profile pics was of my darling cats…some jackass took the time to write me a message that “the cat pic really killed it for me”…then why take the time to send me a message, @$$hole?
*the scumbag: A very smooth Casanova messaged me to ask “What are you doing on Tinder? Looking for Mr. right or Mr. Right now?” Come on, guy…
*the ego-manic: One dude’s tagline was “unless you’re a model, swipe left. Look at me.” Oh, I’m looking at you. And all I see is a hairless lonely meat-man-wich who’s insecure deep down.
Having said all of this, I do give props to the guys who are actually funny. Self-deprecating humor is kind of endearing and shows that you don’t take yourself too seriously. Random silly thoughts that make no sense are good for a giggle, but these funny guys are few and far-between. For me, if you can make me laugh, you’re totally in. Some of my fave taglines:
“I love organic Tic Tacs.”
“Hi, I’m fun. I ride motorcycles. They are fun. Yay!!”
“My life is like Scrubs, except not as funny.”
“I think I belong in Canada.”
“I used to eat a lot of sandwiches, but I’ve really cut down lately. Honestly.”
“I’m not on this app.”
“I’m an aspiring oyster snob.”
“Yeah I’m Asian and I have blonde hair…I’m still good at math.”
“What’s in your lunch pail?”
“I was hiding under the house because I love you.”
“I’m like a real-life cartoon. Don’t drop an anvil on me though. I’ll die.”
And as a total side note: Plenty of Fish is not better. A certain girlfriend of mine (who shall remain nameless but her name rhymes with Smershley) knew I was writing this post, and shared with me a message that a dude sent her on POF:
“Hi, I’m Alex. Can we become friends with benefits and travel together to lots of exciting places? I will help you with your bills on a monthly basis as well.”
Apparently it’s rough waters for all those fish. Time to swipe left and swim away.