Wanted: One Hubby

A few days ago, I was watching “There’s Something About Mary” and couldn’t help but snicker when one of my favorite scenes came on. Mary is having lunch with a few girlfriends and describes her perfect man:

“I want a guy who can play 36 holes and still have enough energy to take me and Warren to a ballgame and eat hot dogs, I’m talkin’ sausage hot dogs, and beer, not light beer, but beer…that’s my ad, print it up!”

This got me thinking. If I had to write a Want Ad for the perfect mate, what would it sound like?

19-year-old-me would have written:

Seeking hot Masshole who smokes Parliaments and wears baggy pants.

Must love techno, staying up all night, skateboarding, and illegal activities.

Bonus points are awarded for tattoos, piercings, goatees and pink hair.

Would prefer that you have a car, don’t live with your parents, and have never been arrested (but these requests are not deal-breakers).

You will be expected to attend raves, buy me illicit substances, and not be weirded out when I jump into cuddle puddles filled with sweaty teenagers.

If you meet these criteria, please come over with Doritos, a freshly packed bong, and the latest from Paul Oakenfold.

33-year-old me would write:

Seeking intelligent beefcake who enjoys sarcasm and using lint rollers.

Must love cats, organizing your sock drawer, and celebrity gossip.

Bonus points are awarded if you vacuum more than 3 times a week, alphabetize your books and CDs, and rearrange your fridge for fun.

Would prefer that you can cook,  own a nice suit, and have an obsession with hot sauce (but these requests are not deal-breakers).

You will be expected to compete in Tough Mudders, put up with my neuroses, and keep your apartment immaculate at all times.

If you meet these criteria, please come over with banana peppers, a bottle of Jamesons, and the latest copy of In Touch Weekly.

Top 10 Reasons Why It Rules To Be A Tomboy

1) Because I’m not expected to cook.

I admit that, yes, I SHOULD know how to cook, as a 33 year old single gal living by myself. But I don’t. And I realize this will likely render me an unsuitable wife, but I don’t really have the desire to learn how. I’m perfectly happy not owning an apron, not knowing how to turn on my oven, and just grabbing a bomb falafel sandwich from Whole Foods for dinner every night.

2) Because I can wear Chuck Taylors 7 days a week.

There is a small part of me that envies my girlfriends who strut around in 6 inch platforms like silky panthers gliding through a field, but I will never be that girl. I’ve been told that when in heels, I resemble a newborn giraffe with sad wobbly knees. On those days, faceplanting is a common occurrence.

3) Because when I do actually dress up, people are astounded.

These occasions are infrequent, but are always met with the same comments:

“WOH, Kimmy, you have a tattoo on your calf?”

“Damn, your legs are supremely pale.”

“I didn’t know you owned a skirt.”

“You look annoyed.”

“Why do you have sweatpants and flip flops stuffed into your purse?”

4) Because I can swear like a sailor.

I know this isn’t the most attractive habit, but what do you expect? I’m a Masshole. Half the time I don’t even realize I’ve dropped 4 f-bombs in one sentence. I’ve tried using swear jars in the past, but I get too f*cking annoyed at how many time I have to throw in money and end up smashing the jar against the f*cking wall.

5) Because I don’t have to get my nails done every week.

For a few months in high school, I had those acrylic tips attached to my nails. They looked awesome and feminine. But much like the girls who wear them, acrylics are annoying, high maintenance, and expensive. I soon bit off the acrylic tips one by one and spent the money I saved on marijuana.

6) Because I can be loud and obnoxious.

Anyone within a 50 mile radius knows that I’m loud. I used to be a little self-conscious about how loud I am, but I’ve stopped caring. Years of raving have destroyed my hearing, so most of the time I don’t realize that my decibel level rivals that of a fire engine.  On the plus side,  if I lose you at an amusement park, I’ll find you within 10 minutes, guaranteed.

7) Because my idea of flirting usually consists of insulting a dude.

Sure, the normal way to flirt with a guy is to ask questions, have good conversation, and toss in a few compliments. I prefer to discover your insecurities then make you feel bad about them. I’ve heard men like it when you belittle them.

8) Because punching stuff is incredibly satisfying.

I’ve never gotten into a fistfight, but if I were a man, there’s no doubt I’d have thrown some punches in a drunken stupor during college. Luckily I found a healthier outlet for this sensation in the form of boxing lessons. There’s something inexplicably fulfilling about hearing the thwack of your boxing glove as it makes contact with your trainer’s stomach.

9) Because getting dirty is a filthy good time.

If you’ve never tried a Tough Mudder or other mud/ obstacle race, I highly recommend signing up immediately. If you’re wondering why they are so amazing, think back to when you were a kid. You played in the mud. You rolled around in the dirt. Your impeccably clean little Fruit of the Loom Tshirt would come back to Mom all disgusting and she would sigh as she threw it in the washing machine. Because getting messy and dirty was fun back then, and it’s still fun now.

10) Because whiskey shots!

Improving Your Cover Letter: Business Cat Says Turn Your Weaknesses Into Strengths

Part of the pain in the ass thrill of job hunting is sending out a billion resumes and cover letters, aka essentially sending out a billion small sales kits to potential employers that explain what a qualified candidate you are. However, if you’re like me and suffer from a crippling case of self-loathing, it’s difficult to subscribe to the “I RULE, HERE’S WHY YOU SHOULD HIRE ME!!” mentality. Plus, I’m better at winning people over if we’re face-to-face, where I can crack stupid jokes and let my sunny demeanor shine through. But since all of my resume/ cover letter submissions are in a Word doc (not video) format, I realize that I need to brush up on my verbiage and transform my weaknesses into strengths.

Here’s what I put together:

I talk way too loud = I’m enthusiastic and I have a great phone voice

I’m disorganized and don’t finish something before I start something else = I can multitask

I’ll usually wait until the last minute to complete a task = I work well under pressure

I consume way too much caffeine and get jittery = I’m highly motivated

I gossip with coworkers = I work well on a team

I gossip with clients = I have excellent communication skills

I only cry in the privacy of the bathroom (or at home) if I mess up = I’m thick-skinned

I like when no one is around so I can blast 80s music on Pandora = I don’t require supervision or hand-holding

I know my boss will be pissed about the mistake I made 10 minutes ago = I can anticipate problems before they arise

I doodle little hearts and flowers all over Post Its = I have meticulous attention to detail

I’ll pop a Xanax if I’m stressed = I remain calm under pressure

(Note to potential employers: I don’t actually gossip with clients, take Xanax, make mistakes, or cry)

Everything I Know About Love I Learned from Marketing

Whoever said that love and marketing have nothing to do with each other clearly knows nothing about love. Or marketing. I compiled a checklist to help make sure that your next campaign for romance will be successful.

Ladies, listen up.

Make sure to clearly define your expectations upfront.

This means letting him know that you expect to be treated like a queen. Or goddess. Foot massages are expected on a daily basis, in addition to kisses, hugs, and constantly asking how your day was. He will be expected to agree that yes, your coworker was a bitch today, and her butt HAS been getting fatter (even though he’s never met her).

Make sure his strategy is well-planned.

He must always have a clear plan for keeping this relationship afloat. His strategy should be perfectly aligned with your expectations, and if not, then you need to ensure he understands his role. Communication must be concise. If need be, leave notes in his pockets and on his windshield. Men like being corrected if they’re doing something wrong.

Make sure to conduct the 4 C’s analysis:

Cuddling: He must be the big spoon. Cuddling must occur outside the bedroom – it should be incorporated into scary movie nights, PMS, or after your bitchy coworker implied that your butt is bigger than hers.

Cooperative: He must get along with your friends, and agree even when they’re wrong.

Cocky: If he’s an ego-maniac, he’s out. Confidence is fine, but cockiness is uglier than his stupid shirt with the popped collar and bedazzled dragon.

Cats: If he doesn’t like cats, he’s out. Plain and simple.

Make sure that his key deliverables are on-time, and within budget.

Deliverables may include, but are not limited to: roses, jewelry, alcohol, books, tabloids, clothing, household appliances, toys for the cats, tickets to a show, funny cards, banana peppers, bottles of Sriracha, or Apple products. Bonus points if the deliverables are given ahead of schedule.

Make sure to explore all key areas of opportunity.

Ladies, areas of opportunity may include, but are not limited to: having him run your errands, wash your car, and clean your pool in a man-thong. If you do not have a pool, he can clean your tub in the man-thong (silver sparkles or leopard print are usually best).

If you follow these simple guidelines, you are sure to run a successful relationship campaign. And if you’re really on track, you may even get him to submit a proposal.