Everything I Know About Love I Learned from Marketing

Whoever said that love and marketing have nothing to do with each other clearly knows nothing about love. Or marketing. I compiled a checklist to help make sure that your next campaign for romance will be successful.

Ladies, listen up.

Make sure to clearly define your expectations upfront.

This means letting him know that you expect to be treated like a queen. Or goddess. Foot massages are expected on a daily basis, in addition to kisses, hugs, and constantly asking how your day was. He will be expected to agree that yes, your coworker was a bitch today, and her butt HAS been getting fatter (even though he’s never met her).

Make sure his strategy is well-planned.

He must always have a clear plan for keeping this relationship afloat. His strategy should be perfectly aligned with your expectations, and if not, then you need to ensure he understands his role. Communication must be concise. If need be, leave notes in his pockets and on his windshield. Men like being corrected if they’re doing something wrong.

Make sure to conduct the 4 C’s analysis:

Cuddling: He must be the big spoon. Cuddling must occur outside the bedroom – it should be incorporated into scary movie nights, PMS, or after your bitchy coworker implied that your butt is bigger than hers.

Cooperative: He must get along with your friends, and agree even when they’re wrong.

Cocky: If he’s an ego-maniac, he’s out. Confidence is fine, but cockiness is uglier than his stupid shirt with the popped collar and bedazzled dragon.

Cats: If he doesn’t like cats, he’s out. Plain and simple.

Make sure that his key deliverables are on-time, and within budget.

Deliverables may include, but are not limited to: roses, jewelry, alcohol, books, tabloids, clothing, household appliances, toys for the cats, tickets to a show, funny cards, banana peppers, bottles of Sriracha, or Apple products. Bonus points if the deliverables are given ahead of schedule.

Make sure to explore all key areas of opportunity.

Ladies, areas of opportunity may include, but are not limited to: having him run your errands, wash your car, and clean your pool in a man-thong. If you do not have a pool, he can clean your tub in the man-thong (silver sparkles or leopard print are usually best).

If you follow these simple guidelines, you are sure to run a successful relationship campaign. And if you’re really on track, you may even get him to submit a proposal.

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