A few days ago, I was watching “There’s Something About Mary” and couldn’t help but snicker when one of my favorite scenes came on. Mary is having lunch with a few girlfriends and describes her perfect man:
“I want a guy who can play 36 holes and still have enough energy to take me and Warren to a ballgame and eat hot dogs, I’m talkin’ sausage hot dogs, and beer, not light beer, but beer…that’s my ad, print it up!”
This got me thinking. If I had to write a Want Ad for the perfect mate, what would it sound like?
19-year-old-me would have written:
Seeking hot Masshole who smokes Parliaments and wears baggy pants.
Must love techno, staying up all night, skateboarding, and illegal activities.
Bonus points are awarded for tattoos, piercings, goatees and pink hair.
Would prefer that you have a car, don’t live with your parents, and have never been arrested (but these requests are not deal-breakers).
You will be expected to attend raves, buy me illicit substances, and not be weirded out when I jump into cuddle puddles filled with sweaty teenagers.
If you meet these criteria, please come over with Doritos, a freshly packed bong, and the latest from Paul Oakenfold.
33-year-old me would write:
Seeking intelligent beefcake who enjoys sarcasm and using lint rollers.
Must love cats, organizing your sock drawer, and celebrity gossip.
Bonus points are awarded if you vacuum more than 3 times a week, alphabetize your books and CDs, and rearrange your fridge for fun.
Would prefer that you can cook, own a nice suit, and have an obsession with hot sauce (but these requests are not deal-breakers).
You will be expected to compete in Tough Mudders, put up with my neuroses, and keep your apartment immaculate at all times.
If you meet these criteria, please come over with banana peppers, a bottle of Jamesons, and the latest copy of In Touch Weekly.