11 Lessons I Learned Over The Holiday

1) I’m totes moving to Turks & Caicos.

Byeeeee Los Angeles.

2) New obsession…PIANO BARS!!!

There’s something about those musicians….

3) Souvenir shot glasses are way rad…until you remember that you have to stuff 12,000 pieces of glassware in your suitcase without breaking them.

Crap. This seemed like a good idea during dinner.

4) Zip-lining is the SHIZNIT….especially when you have perfect form.

Tree, meet crotch. Crotch, meet tree.

5) Towel animals are also the SHIZNIT….until you walk in to your room and have a f*cking heart attack cuz it looks like the staff hung a mummy from your ceiling.

Aww, that’s cute!

Aww, that’s SUPER CUTE!


6) Sibling selfies are way rad.

Hey, let’s take another blurry/poorly-framed one over here!

7) Puerto Rican kitties are stunning.

Meow. I know I’m gorgeous. Move along, stupid American girl.

8) In Nassau, please do not solicit, hawk, and especially do not loaf.

Yeah, you loafers, they’re talking to you.

9) Pointless foot selfies are….well….pointless.

Hey, look, my feet in front of a sky! Simply groundbreaking.

10) Johnnie Walker Black is my favorite man on earth.

He’s a seductive sexy beast.

11) If I ever join an online dating service, I know what to tell potential suitors.