Forget Content, Caffeine Is King

Problem

Like any normal human, I absolutely cannot start my morning without a hit of caffeine. My brain refuses to function without a liquid lightning bolt to zap it awake. On more than one occasion, the coffee shop cashier asks what I want, and I stutter, “Uhhh…a lerge coofee..sorry, a big ice brew…a large COFFEE!” Luckily my baristas know me by name and can usually decipher my derpity-derps.

coffee derp

As my caffeine intake has steadily increased over the last year (thanks, 50 hour work week!) so has my need for specific types of caffeine throughout the day. I’ve found that different types of caffeine can solve different problems during my 9-7 whirlwind.

For example…

Red Bull

Problem: It’s 7am and my bed is way warmer than a cold gym.
Solution: This carbonated poison surges through my veins and guarantees an effortless trip to the treadmill. (Though the bubbly sensation of barfing may come and go after a couple of miles.)

red bull

5 Hour Energy

Problem:
I ran out of Red Bull.
Solution:
A mini slurp of this syrupy toxin makes me invincible during my morning jog. (Also, reference previous point about bubbly barfing.)

5 hour

Starbucks Cold Brew

Problem: I’ve finished my work out but after a quick shower and breakfast, am needing an energy burst to deal with the commuters along Sunset Blvd who totally forgot how to drive.
Solution:
A venti bucket of liquid cocaine and 2 packs of stevia keep me vibrating around my cubicle for the next few hours.

Cold brew

Regular Starbucks Iced Coffee

Problem: Starbucks has run out of the cold brew.
Solution:
A weak version of cold brew and 2 packs of stevia at least alleviate the caffeine headache, but still leaves me a little sad.

ice coffee

Starbucks Bottled Frappuccino Drinks

Problem: I’m too lazy to wait in line at Starbucks for my late afternoon buzz.
Solution:
A 5 dollar bottle of cream.

starbucks 2

Starbucks Gingerbread Latte/ Toasted Graham Latte/ Peppermint Latte

Problem: I’m fantasizing about stuffing a whole cake into my mouth circa 4pm.
Solution:
Drinking 100 grams of sugar and letting go of any dignity earned from jogging earlier today.

starbucks-2

#KnockIfOffNow: 10 Twitter Habits That Need To Fly The Coop 

twitter bird

With something like a bazillion users, Twitter is a hugely diverse forum for jokes, news, shameless self-promotion, mean comments (hi trolls), conversations surrounding tv/ films/ games, making new digital friends and customer service complaints.

Whatever your reason for frolicking around the Twitterverse, please remember that we’re all children in the same online playground, and there are some behaviors that need a giant time-out.

time out

1) Look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME!

When your entire feed is composed of “I wrote a blog post” and “I wrote another blog post” and “I wrote an even better blog post” and “I won an award for my latest blog post,” it’s hard to look past your egocentric stream.

me

2) Checking in to every location you visit.

After Foursquare came and went, I figured the only purpose of geolocation was to help sexually active Grindr and Tinder users to find one another. Otherwise, why check into a location? I understand if you check into a concert venue because you’re PSYCHED to see so-and-so band, but why check into a Starbucks, or into your office? Are you that thrilled to be there? Or are you just trying to prove that you leave your house?

check in

3) Giving a hashtag to every day if the week.

A scrumptious sexy food pic on #TacoTuesday or an embarrassing 6th grade photo for #ThrowbackThursday = good fun and amusing. But observing #MotivationMonday, #WorkoutWednesday, #FollowFriday, and #SundayFunday and every single Hashtag Holiday…perhaps you can consider #StopItSaturday. Can we all agree to simply celebrate just ONE Hashtag Holiday per week?

Slide1

4) Speaking of hashtags, #you #don’t #need #to #use #a #million #of #them.

Hashtags are like cocktails – in moderation they’re fine, but if you indulge too much, you become a public nuisance.

hashtags

5) Anyone who wishes everyone a Happy Hump Day, or a Happy Monday, or a Happy Friday. 

hump day

6) Brands who tweet because they think they should.

As a brand, you’re not giving your followers any sort of value by saying “Happy Columbus Day from our team here at Staples!” #ThinkBeforeYouTweet

worst tweet

7) Cluttering your daily Twitter feed with 83 retweeted articles.

I totally support retweeting an article that you find funny or useful or interesting. But when you barrage your followers 15 times a day with nonsense like “5 Ways To Advertise On AOL” and other industry-related garble, you’re clogging up the Twitter ecosystem by attempting to prove that you’re intelligent and you can read. Exercise some self control and limit yourself to 1 or 2 of these “smarticles” each day.

smart

8) Spewing hatred.

There’s a world of difference between a thoughtful debate and trash talking/ trolling/ mean-spirited vitriol.

Troll-640x426

9) Worthless/ spammy stats.

“My best tweets this week came from…”
“My Twitter account is worth a gazillion dollars, how much is your worth?”
“Here’s who followed and unfollowed me this week…”

I suppose this calls for a “congratulations?” <cue sarcastic applause>

twitter spam

10) Clickbait.

“The man saw  a stick on the road. When he picked it up, you won’t believe what he found…”

Please stop sending out clickbait into the Twittersphere. If an article or blogpost has to hide its main point behind a taunting title, it likely wasn’t worth the energy you expended by clicking your mouse.

clickbait