Forget Content, Caffeine Is King

Problem

Like any normal human, I absolutely cannot start my morning without a hit of caffeine. My brain refuses to function without a liquid lightning bolt to zap it awake. On more than one occasion, the coffee shop cashier asks what I want, and I stutter, “Uhhh…a lerge coofee..sorry, a big ice brew…a large COFFEE!” Luckily my baristas know me by name and can usually decipher my derpity-derps.

coffee derp

As my caffeine intake has steadily increased over the last year (thanks, 50 hour work week!) so has my need for specific types of caffeine throughout the day. I’ve found that different types of caffeine can solve different problems during my 9-7 whirlwind.

For example…

Red Bull

Problem: It’s 7am and my bed is way warmer than a cold gym.
Solution: This carbonated poison surges through my veins and guarantees an effortless trip to the treadmill. (Though the bubbly sensation of barfing may come and go after a couple of miles.)

red bull

5 Hour Energy

Problem:
I ran out of Red Bull.
Solution:
A mini slurp of this syrupy toxin makes me invincible during my morning jog. (Also, reference previous point about bubbly barfing.)

5 hour

Starbucks Cold Brew

Problem: I’ve finished my work out but after a quick shower and breakfast, am needing an energy burst to deal with the commuters along Sunset Blvd who totally forgot how to drive.
Solution:
A venti bucket of liquid cocaine and 2 packs of stevia keep me vibrating around my cubicle for the next few hours.

Cold brew

Regular Starbucks Iced Coffee

Problem: Starbucks has run out of the cold brew.
Solution:
A weak version of cold brew and 2 packs of stevia at least alleviate the caffeine headache, but still leaves me a little sad.

ice coffee

Starbucks Bottled Frappuccino Drinks

Problem: I’m too lazy to wait in line at Starbucks for my late afternoon buzz.
Solution:
A 5 dollar bottle of cream.

starbucks 2

Starbucks Gingerbread Latte/ Toasted Graham Latte/ Peppermint Latte

Problem: I’m fantasizing about stuffing a whole cake into my mouth circa 4pm.
Solution:
Drinking 100 grams of sugar and letting go of any dignity earned from jogging earlier today.

starbucks-2

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