Sartronic: New Study Indicates That Men Love Ultimatums

Ultimatum

WESTWOOD, CA – Experts at the University of California Psychology Department released a new study on Friday that revealed men love ultimatums. A comprehensive research process gathered data from more than 5,000 males who’ve all received ultimatums from their significant other, and results showed that nearly all of the participants were grateful that their girlfriend or fiancé forced them into a decision that they wouldn’t have made otherwise.

“We’re thrilled to see that men enjoy caving in to womens’ demands, despite prior evidence to the contrary,” said Brian Doyle, Director of UCLA ’s Behavioral Lab. “Our statistics show that unless a man is challenged and backed into a corner, a woman may never get what she wants. And once he gives in to her, he’ll be grateful that he had to put his ego and self-respect aside.”

Doyle’s team spent hours drawing Venn diagrams and pie charts to develop theories about this attitudinal shift. David Clark, Head of Research at the institute, believes that after dominating the business world for so long, men are happy to sit back and let women dictate every detail of their personal lives. “It really makes sense when you think about it,” said Clark. “A man would never actually want to get married or have a baby. Having a woman manipulate him into achieving these life milestones is a refreshing and welcome change from his previously fulfilling and carefree lifestyle.”

Local customer service representative Allen Paisley echoed the same sentiment, noting that before he married Leslie, his wife of 4 years, he had major commitment issues. “I used to hate when girls slept over – they were just so clingy and needy. When Leslie and I started dating, I wouldn’t even let her keep a toothbrush here. And I probably could have just kept on dating her forever but eventually she said we’re either breaking up, or getting married. I think by pressuring me into marrying her, she made me a better person.” At press time, Paisley was staring aimlessly into his lukewarm cup of coffee.

Sartronic: Local Girlfriend Pretends To Care About Football

football

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Tilting her head slightly to the side so it’d appear that she was actually interested and paying attention, local girlfriend Katie Titus waited patiently for Shawn Williams to finish explaining why the Broncos would win the Superbowl this year. Though the couple has reportedly been dating for over 2 years, Katie never disclosed the fact that she f*cking hates football. “Since I’m from Massachusetts, I’m supposed to be some diehard Patriots fan but honestly, I couldn’t care less. It’s wicked annoying that a 15 minute quarter actually turns into a f*cking hour because they keep stopping the stupid clock. And football fans are the most annoying people in the world. You don’t need to get up and scream every time there’s a tackle or something. Plus, I hate when Shawn goes to a bar at 10 in the morning and has beer with his eggs.” At press time, Shawn was clapping loudly about a touchdown while Katie contemplated how many Sex & The City reruns she’d force Shawn to watch later that day.

Sartronic: Idiot Client Can’t Figure Out How To Update Internet Explorer

IE

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Scrunching up his face in baffled confusion, local entrepreneur Elliot Walden scratched his balding head as he asked web developer Andy Beck how to upgrade his goshdarn Internet Explorer. Beck was recently hired by Walden to make some website updates, since Walden’s online sock shop just rolled out some exciting new styles. It’s reported that Beck made the requested changes within a few hours, but Walden wasn’t able to see the new argyle apparel as he eagerly clicked from page to page. Beck calmly informed Walden that he needed to upgrade the Internet Explorer on his 2007 Dell, but Walden demanded to be walked through this complicated doggone process. “I mean, this guy is such a moron. He doesn’t even know how to clear his browser history. And who the hell even uses Internet Explorer anymore? It’s bad enough he has an AOL email address,” griped Beck. At press time, Walden was asking Beck if he should be pressing the Control, Alt, or Delete keys, looking thoroughly befuddled.