Sartronic: Anxiety Coming Up With New, Innovative Things To Keep You Awake At Night

Insomnia

Despite a recent surge in sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medications, increased exercise routines, and healthy eating habits, local emotional trainwrecks have reported that they’re experiencing a flood of new topics that are disrupting their once-normal sleep routines. Even with remedies to combat nighttime restlessness, many anxiety-ridden adults have found that their efforts are a vain attempt to fight unrelenting mental turmoil.

Megan Rebart, an executive assistant at Hollings Realty, says that she used to be able to fall asleep right away, but now lies awake for 45 minutes each night freaking out about random sh*t. “It totally sucks,” gripes Rebart. “I’ll be reading a book in bed, trying to quiet my mind, when suddenly an explosion of adrenaline surges through my stomach and I want to barf.” Rebart claims the source of her newfound stress is natural disasters. “Sinkholes are freakin’ terrifying. Like, how scary is it that the ground can just collapse without any warning? Every time my boss sells a new house, I’m convinced their property is gonna cave in and get scorched by the earth’s crust.”

Ben Thompson, another basket case who works with Rebart, complains that his nocturnal freak outs are due to an annoying and pointless stream of consciousness. “My mind keeps jumping from one topic to another. It’s like WHAM, I sounded so stupid in today’s meeting, then WHAM, did I forget to lock the front door, WHAM, I just thought of the perfect comeback to that moron VP who insulted me from 3 jobs ago, and WHAM why has my lymph node been swollen this long, I probably have some deadly throat infection and need to check if that’s covered by my crappy insurance.”

Ben’s girlfriend Natalia suffers from relationship-related anxiety, but she recently discovered an untapped well of issues to fret about during bedtime. “I used to just bug out that he didn’t want to marry me. But the last few weeks, all I think about is how he doesn’t have a 401k, go to the dentist, own a passport, or cook his chicken all the way through. Our babies would be poor, toothless, and full of salmonella.” At press time, Natalia and Ben laid awake staring at the broken ceiling fan.

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