Battle Of The Nighttime Nags – A Dialogue Between A Girl And Her Brain

Slide1

FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Moonlight peeks through the vertical blinds, illuminating 3 sleeping cats on the giant bed. A frazzled, angry brunette lies awake, staring despondently at the digital clock beside her. 3:28am. A loud, annoying voice startles her.

BRAIN:
Oh hey! Sorry to wake you. But did you hear that noise coming from the living room?

KIM: (sitting up)
No. What was it?

BRAIN:
Probably the cat knocking something off the counter.

KIM:
But all the cats are in here.

BRAIN:
So it’s probably a machete-wielding lunatic here to murder you and kill the cats.

KIM:
Ohmygawd.

BRAIN:
Just kidding. It’s fine. Go back to sleep. You know, if you fall asleep right now, you can sneak in another 3 hours and 32 minutes.

KIM:
Good. Shut up so I can go back to sleep.

BRAIN:
Ok, ok….hey maybe that noise was your loud bodybuilder neighbor upstairs. He’s probably doing naked pushups in the living room.

KIM:
If I looked like him, I probably would too. But not at 3:30 in the morning. Now shut up!

BRAIN:
Fine, just let the sound of your fan drown me out. Having white noise is supposed to help you sleep. But have you noticed that the blades of the fan are spinning around kinda unevenly, and it’s making a weird scraping sound? Might wanna get that fixed. Or buy a new fan.

KIM:
Cool. I’ll be sure to do that next weekend. Please stop talking.

BRAIN:
But aren’t you insanely thirsty?

KIM: (groan)
Ugh. Yeah, actually I am. But I’m too lazy to get out of bed.

BRAIN:
Well, good, cuz the only things in your fridge are white wine and stale chipotle mayo.

KIM:
F*ck.

BRAIN:
Hey, speaking of wine, remember the time you got wasted at that cute restaurant on 3rd street and developed a drunken case of kleptomania?

KIM:
It was a candle. And I wasn’t that drunk.

BRAIN:
Still. Who goes into a bathroom, blows out the incredible-smelling candle by the sink, and shoves it into their purse?

KIM:
Please. It probably cost them a dollar. And I got wax all over my purse.

BRAIN:
Karma, betch. You sure you don’t want to get up and get a glass of tap water?

KIM:
I’d rather shrivel up from dehydration. OH SH*T…I forgot to pay the water bill last week.

BRAIN:
Eh, don’t worry. You’ll just have to pay an exorbitant late fee. Speaking of water, how much longer is this stupid drought gonna last?

KIM:
Yeah, it’s whack. I may have to move back to the east coast. Perhaps I can think about that tomorrow, PROVIDED I GET SOME F***IN SLEEP TONIGHT!

BRAIN:
I can’t believe how warm it is there. Hey, remember that guy Dan you dated in 7th grade? I wonder if he ever found out that you cheated on him with his cousin.

KIM:
Who cares?

BRAIN:
You should probably get up and find him on Facebook and see what he’s been up to.

KIM:
F*ck that. I’m getting up and finding Xanax.

BRAIN:
Fine, but good luck waking up at 7.

KIM:
I hate you.

Kim furiously whips off the covers and settles in front of the TV with a pile of cheese.

FADE OUT.

My Friends Are All…And I’m All…

adulting

My friends are all, “Can’t decide between the black granite vessel or Italian ceramic sink for our bathroom renovation” and I’m all, “Just watchin’ The Simpsons in mah underwear.”

sink

homer-simpson

My friends are all, “Crazy that my baby girl is starting 5th grade this week!” and I’m all, “Who’s coming to my kitty’s birthday party tomorrow?”

My friends are all, “So excited to make this garlic-rosemary-roasted-artichoke-chicken-and-pureed-leeks recipe I found on Pinterest!” and I’m all, “F*** you microwave for burning my frozen burrito.”

chicken

My friends are all, “5 year anniversary dinner with the hubs. #blessed” and I’m all, “I just used my sock as a napkin.”

candle dinner

My friends are all, “Poor Lillie is sobbing after she fell off her big girl bike & got a boo-boo on her knee,” and I’m all, “Moooooooom, I’m watching Rocky 4 and no one likes me.”

girl fell

My friends are all, “Just put in an offer for a 4 bedroom Colonial” and I’m all, “Better start claiming my cats as dependents if I wanna upgrade to a 1 bedroom apartment.”

house

pretty kitties

My friends are all, “Facebook check in: Boston to Bali via Amazeballs Airlines” and I’m all, “Guess who’s driving to Santa Monica and has two thumbs? This betch, that’s right.”

bali

traffic jam

My friends are all, “Beautiful roses from the hubs today for my birthday. #blessed #bae” and I’m all, “Cat barfed up my dying plant.”

kitty-plant

My friends are all, “So psyched to submit my film to Sundance!” and I’m all “I just wrote a blog post and my mom thinks I’m hilarious.”

writer

lisa

My friends are all, “Getting up at 7 to do yoga” and I’m all, “Stayed up til 2 watching informercials and eating cheese.”

yoga

cheese

Sartronic: Anxiety Coming Up With New, Innovative Things To Keep You Awake At Night

Insomnia

Despite a recent surge in sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medications, increased exercise routines, and healthy eating habits, local emotional trainwrecks have reported that they’re experiencing a flood of new topics that are disrupting their once-normal sleep routines. Even with remedies to combat nighttime restlessness, many anxiety-ridden adults have found that their efforts are a vain attempt to fight unrelenting mental turmoil.

Megan Rebart, an executive assistant at Hollings Realty, says that she used to be able to fall asleep right away, but now lies awake for 45 minutes each night freaking out about random sh*t. “It totally sucks,” gripes Rebart. “I’ll be reading a book in bed, trying to quiet my mind, when suddenly an explosion of adrenaline surges through my stomach and I want to barf.” Rebart claims the source of her newfound stress is natural disasters. “Sinkholes are freakin’ terrifying. Like, how scary is it that the ground can just collapse without any warning? Every time my boss sells a new house, I’m convinced their property is gonna cave in and get scorched by the earth’s crust.”

Ben Thompson, another basket case who works with Rebart, complains that his nocturnal freak outs are due to an annoying and pointless stream of consciousness. “My mind keeps jumping from one topic to another. It’s like WHAM, I sounded so stupid in today’s meeting, then WHAM, did I forget to lock the front door, WHAM, I just thought of the perfect comeback to that moron VP who insulted me from 3 jobs ago, and WHAM why has my lymph node been swollen this long, I probably have some deadly throat infection and need to check if that’s covered by my crappy insurance.”

Ben’s girlfriend Natalia suffers from relationship-related anxiety, but she recently discovered an untapped well of issues to fret about during bedtime. “I used to just bug out that he didn’t want to marry me. But the last few weeks, all I think about is how he doesn’t have a 401k, go to the dentist, own a passport, or cook his chicken all the way through. Our babies would be poor, toothless, and full of salmonella.” At press time, Natalia and Ben laid awake staring at the broken ceiling fan.

Sartronic: New Study Indicates That Men Love Ultimatums

Ultimatum

WESTWOOD, CA – Experts at the University of California Psychology Department released a new study on Friday that revealed men love ultimatums. A comprehensive research process gathered data from more than 5,000 males who’ve all received ultimatums from their significant other, and results showed that nearly all of the participants were grateful that their girlfriend or fiancé forced them into a decision that they wouldn’t have made otherwise.

“We’re thrilled to see that men enjoy caving in to womens’ demands, despite prior evidence to the contrary,” said Brian Doyle, Director of UCLA ’s Behavioral Lab. “Our statistics show that unless a man is challenged and backed into a corner, a woman may never get what she wants. And once he gives in to her, he’ll be grateful that he had to put his ego and self-respect aside.”

Doyle’s team spent hours drawing Venn diagrams and pie charts to develop theories about this attitudinal shift. David Clark, Head of Research at the institute, believes that after dominating the business world for so long, men are happy to sit back and let women dictate every detail of their personal lives. “It really makes sense when you think about it,” said Clark. “A man would never actually want to get married or have a baby. Having a woman manipulate him into achieving these life milestones is a refreshing and welcome change from his previously fulfilling and carefree lifestyle.”

Local customer service representative Allen Paisley echoed the same sentiment, noting that before he married Leslie, his wife of 4 years, he had major commitment issues. “I used to hate when girls slept over – they were just so clingy and needy. When Leslie and I started dating, I wouldn’t even let her keep a toothbrush here. And I probably could have just kept on dating her forever but eventually she said we’re either breaking up, or getting married. I think by pressuring me into marrying her, she made me a better person.” At press time, Paisley was staring aimlessly into his lukewarm cup of coffee.

Sartronic: Local Girlfriend Pretends To Care About Football

football

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Tilting her head slightly to the side so it’d appear that she was actually interested and paying attention, local girlfriend Katie Titus waited patiently for Shawn Williams to finish explaining why the Broncos would win the Superbowl this year. Though the couple has reportedly been dating for over 2 years, Katie never disclosed the fact that she f*cking hates football. “Since I’m from Massachusetts, I’m supposed to be some diehard Patriots fan but honestly, I couldn’t care less. It’s wicked annoying that a 15 minute quarter actually turns into a f*cking hour because they keep stopping the stupid clock. And football fans are the most annoying people in the world. You don’t need to get up and scream every time there’s a tackle or something. Plus, I hate when Shawn goes to a bar at 10 in the morning and has beer with his eggs.” At press time, Shawn was clapping loudly about a touchdown while Katie contemplated how many Sex & The City reruns she’d force Shawn to watch later that day.

Sartronic: Idiot Client Can’t Figure Out How To Update Internet Explorer

IE

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Scrunching up his face in baffled confusion, local entrepreneur Elliot Walden scratched his balding head as he asked web developer Andy Beck how to upgrade his goshdarn Internet Explorer. Beck was recently hired by Walden to make some website updates, since Walden’s online sock shop just rolled out some exciting new styles. It’s reported that Beck made the requested changes within a few hours, but Walden wasn’t able to see the new argyle apparel as he eagerly clicked from page to page. Beck calmly informed Walden that he needed to upgrade the Internet Explorer on his 2007 Dell, but Walden demanded to be walked through this complicated doggone process. “I mean, this guy is such a moron. He doesn’t even know how to clear his browser history. And who the hell even uses Internet Explorer anymore? It’s bad enough he has an AOL email address,” griped Beck. At press time, Walden was asking Beck if he should be pressing the Control, Alt, or Delete keys, looking thoroughly befuddled.

Forget Content, Caffeine Is King

Problem

Like any normal human, I absolutely cannot start my morning without a hit of caffeine. My brain refuses to function without a liquid lightning bolt to zap it awake. On more than one occasion, the coffee shop cashier asks what I want, and I stutter, “Uhhh…a lerge coofee..sorry, a big ice brew…a large COFFEE!” Luckily my baristas know me by name and can usually decipher my derpity-derps.

coffee derp

As my caffeine intake has steadily increased over the last year (thanks, 50 hour work week!) so has my need for specific types of caffeine throughout the day. I’ve found that different types of caffeine can solve different problems during my 9-7 whirlwind.

For example…

Red Bull

Problem: It’s 7am and my bed is way warmer than a cold gym.
Solution: This carbonated poison surges through my veins and guarantees an effortless trip to the treadmill. (Though the bubbly sensation of barfing may come and go after a couple of miles.)

red bull

5 Hour Energy

Problem:
I ran out of Red Bull.
Solution:
A mini slurp of this syrupy toxin makes me invincible during my morning jog. (Also, reference previous point about bubbly barfing.)

5 hour

Starbucks Cold Brew

Problem: I’ve finished my work out but after a quick shower and breakfast, am needing an energy burst to deal with the commuters along Sunset Blvd who totally forgot how to drive.
Solution:
A venti bucket of liquid cocaine and 2 packs of stevia keep me vibrating around my cubicle for the next few hours.

Cold brew

Regular Starbucks Iced Coffee

Problem: Starbucks has run out of the cold brew.
Solution:
A weak version of cold brew and 2 packs of stevia at least alleviate the caffeine headache, but still leaves me a little sad.

ice coffee

Starbucks Bottled Frappuccino Drinks

Problem: I’m too lazy to wait in line at Starbucks for my late afternoon buzz.
Solution:
A 5 dollar bottle of cream.

starbucks 2

Starbucks Gingerbread Latte/ Toasted Graham Latte/ Peppermint Latte

Problem: I’m fantasizing about stuffing a whole cake into my mouth circa 4pm.
Solution:
Drinking 100 grams of sugar and letting go of any dignity earned from jogging earlier today.

starbucks-2

8 Things That I Need Right Meow

Need

Remember back in the 90s, if you wanted to go shopping, you had to haul your tush to the mall and actually walk into stores? Oh, the horror!

Thanks to the wonderful World Wide Interwebs, shopping has become hauntingly convenient, and I can merge my love of being lazy with my love of purchasing weird things. In recent weeks I’ve discovered some amazing products that are now waiting patiently on my Christmas list.

1) Martini Cat Condo
This rules because:
 it’s quieter and prettier than the empty grocery bags that my kitties play with. And I’ll feel less alone when sipping martinis by myself on a Tuesday night in my sweatpants.

Cat Condo

2) Snoozy Desk
This rules because:
apparently sleeping at your desk during the work day makes you an incompetent employee, and this brilliant invention lets you sneak in a nice disco nap on your lunch break.

Desk Naps

3) Shower Time = Wine Time
This rules because:
every basic girl needs a glass of vino while she gets ready.

Shower Wine

4) Chambong
This rules because:
chugging champagne from a normal champagne glass is cumbersome, and the Chambong allows me to chug bubbly while remaining classy and demure.

Chambong

5) Human/ Pet Hybrid Bed
This rules because:
my cats can stop crowding me into a corner on my gigantic California King bed, and maybe I’ll enjoy a night of uninterrupted slumber.

Pet bed

6) Coolest Sofa In The World
This rules because: it’s basically a giant bed (without the implied sexual undertones) for boozy group Netflix nights.

Sofa

7) Tetris Storage Benches
These rule because: I can prove how great I am at Tetris while utilizing these cute colorful benches for both storage and sitting. Win win win.

Tetris benches

8) Beer Cap Map
This rules because:
I finally have somewhere to put the beer caps that my cats incessantly bat around the bathroom floor.

Beer Map

Not featured on the list is a wall made of Velcro, which I am currently hunting for. Any leads or suggestions are appreciated.

Why Massachusetts Is The Best

useyablinkah

I know that some folks say “west coast is the best coast” but if you’re a true Masshole, you know that “New England-ahs” are some of the coolest people you’ll ever meet.

We swear a lot. We drink ice coffee during snowstorms. And even though I’ve lived in LA for 12 years, I’ll always be a Masshole at heart.

A couple weeks ago, I headed back east to chill with my family and catch up with friends. When you visit your hometown after being away for so long, you start to remember why home is where the heart is:

Because hazelnut Dunks tastes better when there’s Red Sox on the cup.

dunks

Because walkin’ around the “yahd” is quiet and peaceful.

Boston 8

Boston 7

Boston

Because Mom’s a wicked good “gah-den-ah.”

Boston 6

Boston 3

Because you feel guilty that you can’t even keep a cactus alive in Los Angeles.

Boston 4

Because Mom’s created a zen-like deck for everyone to enjoy.

Boston 5

Because getting work done in this environment = joyful.

Dunks 2

Because you get to see homies that you’ve been friends with since middle school (hi Doyz!) and you can’t believe how much you’ve both matured since the days of yesteryear, when all you did was cause trouble.

Doyz

Because it’s wonderful to see your peeps achieving these life milestones and you’re grateful to still be a part of it.

Doyz 2

Because 20 years later, I’m still jealous of Doyz’s beautiful teeth.

Doyz

Because Allie Cat is full of cattitude.

Allie 2

Allie

Because Allie Cat likes to join the dinner table.

Allie 3

Allie 4

Because Allie Cat enjoys box forts.

Allie

Because Lillie Cat has the biggest paws I’ve ever seen.

Lillie 2

Because Lillie Cat is 100% fluff.

Lillie 3

Lillie 4

Because Lillie Cat is a mystical beauty.

Lillie

Because you and your rad pal (hi Matty!) try to look cool at a bar, but the dude on TV is throwing some shade.

Matty

Like, serious shade.

Shade

Because your bodacious buddy (hi Kelly!) has a precious itsy bitsy baby…and she’s so on point with motherhood that she and her son rock color-coordinated outfits.

kelly

Because even Kelly’s baby is embarrassed at how bad you are at holding babies.

facepalm

#BabyFacePalm

facepalm 2

Because running in North Andover is so serene.

running

Because running in North Andover means running without smog.

running 3

Because running in North Andover means running without car horns or police sirens blaring in the background.

running

running 2

Because you get lost running in North Andover and have to bust out the GPS .

lost

GPS

Because the North Andover GPS looks very different from your Los Angeles GPS.

GPS 2

Because you forgot what it’s like to go running in humidity.

humidity

Because North Andover has relaxed their policies about where to stash a corpse.

feet

Because your bestie from Emerson College (hi Abby!) has a gorgeous family (hi Noel & Wyatt & Jerry!) and you love seeing her so happy.

Abby

Abby 2

Abby 3

Because Abby brings you to Jamaica Plain Porch Fest, where people play live music from their porches, and you walk around to check out good tunes and enjoy their lovely little community.

Porchfest 2

Porchfest 3

Porchfest

Porchfest 5

Because your BFF from North Andover (hi Tano!)  invites you over and serves you white wine with teeny high heels to keep it chilled.

Tano

Because Tano still cracks you up, nearly 20 years after you first met.

Tano 4

Because when you asked Tano’s husband Steve to take a photo of you, he snuck in a selfie without you noticing. #StealthMode

Tano 3

Because stoop beers with Steve, Tano, and their dog Harvey.

Tano 5

Because nothing rocks more than the view on Tano’s street.

Tano 2

Because Tano and Steve are too much adorable in one photo.

Tano 6

Because “Hah-vahd Squeah” is wicked awesome at night.

Tano 7

Because “chowda.”

Tano 8

Because your brother Brian has a very advanced technique for fighting off bees: broom-swatting.

bug

bug 2

bug 3

Because you find a photo of yourself from 10 years ago and you can’t believe how much weight you’ve gained since then.

fat

Because chilling by the pool with your brood = bliss.

pool 2

pool 3

pool

And finally…because the most important time is family time! (Not Hammer Time, as you may have thought.)

family

Creative Professionals Seeking Job Postings That Don’t Bore Everyone

In today’s digital universe, the endless supply of online resources is a major convenience to people seeking employment. Remember the “Help Wanted” ads in newspapers circa 1993? Adorable, yet quite cumbersome.

When you consider the abundance of platforms you can peruse (LinkedIn, Glassdoor, Aquent, Monster, Indeed, Craigslist, etc, etc, etc), hunting for a new job, can, well, quickly become a job in and of itself.

A couple of my BFFs are on the prowl for new career opportunities and we recently met for brunch. Over too many lattes and plates of eggs, we had a good laugh about the job postings they came across. A lot of the posts were stiff, some were baffling, and others were so absurd we shot coffee from our noses. (Except for me – I’m too dainty for that.)

Nearly every post required that:

You can multitask and prioritize in a fast-paced environment
You have the ability to manage multiple projects at once
You have excellent attention to detail
You’re a hard worker
You’re organized
You possess superior written and oral communication skills
You’re a dedicated self starter
You work well within a cross-functional team environment
You’re a multilateral thinker
You have the ability to manage and meet deadlines

Here’s the thing. I agree that those traits are necessary to possess as a working professional. But, shouldn’t it be ASSUMED that you work hard, you’re organized, and you can efficiently communicate with others? Is it really necessary to spell out that a qualified candidate should be able to multitask? These are basic skills I’m pretty sure we all acquired in high school.

Beyond the required koalafications, several job titles intrigued me. One particular post sought to fill a position for “VP of Internet.”

Wait..what?

Ok, a VP Marketing, yes.

VP Sales, sure.

VP Operations, absolutely.

But…VP of Internet? What are the responsibilities of an executive who reigns over the internet?

Is this person in charge of SEO? Newsletters? Blogs? Facebook/ Twitter/ Instagram? Compiling cat videos? All of those? The only thing I’m certain of – my mom would be SO proud if her daughter earned the esteemed title “Vice President of the Internet.”

My gals also found a few job post gems that necessitated a loud chortle:

Define a media plan that is cutting edge and highly desirable but also cost effective.

Cutting edge, highly desirable, and cost effective. What a delicious mess of jargon. So the media plan needs to be new, exciting, sexually attractive and cheap? Sounds like my Tinder dating profile.

Must be highly proficient with computers.

So…just computers, eh? You can’t be bothered to list out the specific software or platforms that I should be proficient with?

Must participate in select value-oriented professional societies, events and activities related to the Internet industry.

So…I will join the “I Heart Internet Club,” drink cocktails at the “Internet Rules Happy Hour,” and be a panelist at the “F*** Yeah Internet Digital Conference?”

My big question is…why do job postings have to be so boring and so generic? Even if you’re not looking to fill a creative position, you can still publish a job posting that’s not a total snooze-fest. After all, as an employer, wouldn’t you want to excite people about joining your team?

But just like needles in a haystack, my besties eventually came across some cool postings that actually excited them.

We are a super awesome full service marketing communications agency based in LA, and we’re looking for a Digital Strategist to come in on a contract to full-time basis! This is an immediate need, and we are accepting apps now! Read on for the awesomeness…

Now THAT’S what we’re talking’ about.