Battle Of The Nighttime Nags – A Dialogue Between A Girl And Her Brain

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FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Moonlight peeks through the vertical blinds, illuminating 3 sleeping cats on the giant bed. A frazzled, angry brunette lies awake, staring despondently at the digital clock beside her. 3:28am. A loud, annoying voice startles her.

BRAIN:
Oh hey! Sorry to wake you. But did you hear that noise coming from the living room?

KIM: (sitting up)
No. What was it?

BRAIN:
Probably the cat knocking something off the counter.

KIM:
But all the cats are in here.

BRAIN:
So it’s probably a machete-wielding lunatic here to murder you and kill the cats.

KIM:
Ohmygawd.

BRAIN:
Just kidding. It’s fine. Go back to sleep. You know, if you fall asleep right now, you can sneak in another 3 hours and 32 minutes.

KIM:
Good. Shut up so I can go back to sleep.

BRAIN:
Ok, ok….hey maybe that noise was your loud bodybuilder neighbor upstairs. He’s probably doing naked pushups in the living room.

KIM:
If I looked like him, I probably would too. But not at 3:30 in the morning. Now shut up!

BRAIN:
Fine, just let the sound of your fan drown me out. Having white noise is supposed to help you sleep. But have you noticed that the blades of the fan are spinning around kinda unevenly, and it’s making a weird scraping sound? Might wanna get that fixed. Or buy a new fan.

KIM:
Cool. I’ll be sure to do that next weekend. Please stop talking.

BRAIN:
But aren’t you insanely thirsty?

KIM: (groan)
Ugh. Yeah, actually I am. But I’m too lazy to get out of bed.

BRAIN:
Well, good, cuz the only things in your fridge are white wine and stale chipotle mayo.

KIM:
F*ck.

BRAIN:
Hey, speaking of wine, remember the time you got wasted at that cute restaurant on 3rd street and developed a drunken case of kleptomania?

KIM:
It was a candle. And I wasn’t that drunk.

BRAIN:
Still. Who goes into a bathroom, blows out the incredible-smelling candle by the sink, and shoves it into their purse?

KIM:
Please. It probably cost them a dollar. And I got wax all over my purse.

BRAIN:
Karma, betch. You sure you don’t want to get up and get a glass of tap water?

KIM:
I’d rather shrivel up from dehydration. OH SH*T…I forgot to pay the water bill last week.

BRAIN:
Eh, don’t worry. You’ll just have to pay an exorbitant late fee. Speaking of water, how much longer is this stupid drought gonna last?

KIM:
Yeah, it’s whack. I may have to move back to the east coast. Perhaps I can think about that tomorrow, PROVIDED I GET SOME F***IN SLEEP TONIGHT!

BRAIN:
I can’t believe how warm it is there. Hey, remember that guy Dan you dated in 7th grade? I wonder if he ever found out that you cheated on him with his cousin.

KIM:
Who cares?

BRAIN:
You should probably get up and find him on Facebook and see what he’s been up to.

KIM:
F*ck that. I’m getting up and finding Xanax.

BRAIN:
Fine, but good luck waking up at 7.

KIM:
I hate you.

Kim furiously whips off the covers and settles in front of the TV with a pile of cheese.

FADE OUT.

A Few Random Images From My Phone That Pretty Much Sum It All Up

Every now and then, I like to back up my iPhone and transfer all my photos onto the cloud. Gives me peace of mind, and keeps the clutter to a minimum.

Here’s what I found from my latest phone-declutter sesh…

1) Sometimes when you’re stuck in traffic, you take a screenshot of Waze so you can remember it later.

2) Hungry? No need to search for Italian, Mexican, Thai…just look for a “nice dinner.”

photo (2)

3) I like reminders to keep my anxiety at bay.

4) Baby carrots sure can act like adults. #ew

5) Santa Kitty is not excited to keep my feet warm.

6) My dad is the most adorable dad to ever dad.

7) Be right back, gotta go see a girl about a cookie.

8) That moment when you step on a scale after a few weeks of eating cookies.

9) My dream man is dreamy and purply pink.

10) I appreciate when things are accurately labeled.

11) Sometimes a girl’s just gotta dance. To ska tunes. In Jamaica.

12) Blue-nicorns are mystical creatures and they like sales. Savings are that-a-way!

13) I have really good hair days.

14) Under my sassy exterior, I really only want one thing.

Look, Something Shiny!….When My Distraction Causes My Inaction

Until I get to the point where I can afford my dream office (marble desk, hot tub in the reception area, and a trampoline/ velcro room), I have the pleasure of working from home. At first I was thrilled about the luxury (woo hoo, pajamas all day!) but I soon discovered one major obstacle: distraction.

I never realized that I had such a short attention span until I tried to get through a few assignments in one sitting. A car horn can honk from 4 blocks away and BOOM – my train of thought crashes. I mulled it over and found a few key culprits at the root of this issue.

1) The Bengal

Everyone knows the Bengal is psychotic, but her behavior during the day is baffling. She is physically unable to sit still unless she’s sleeping. She chirps and sprints into the bedroom. Then howls and hides under the couch. I’ve stopped trying to understand her.

2) Pumpkin spice lattes

When I’m stuck on a sentence, my mind wanders. It usually wanders to the tantalizing, creamy wondrous magic of pumpkin spice lattes. To the giant party in Deliciousville. To the wild flavor orgy in that handsome little paper cup.  Once I have this liquid ambrosia on my mind, there’s no reprieve other than driving to Starbucks and getting my grande crack concoction.

 3) Social Notworking

I first heard this term at UCLA last year. (Thanks Freddy Nager!) How brilliant. The social networks that are supposed to help us make connections are actually causing us to slack off. My Social Notworking habits include incessant visits to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Youtube, cat blogs, and Googling ex-boyfriends.

 4) Amazing movies

I know I should be responsible and work with the TV off, but I can’t focus without background noise. It only becomes a problem when amazing classics like Ghostbusters or Mean Girls are on. Which means I can kiss the next 90 minutes of my life goodbye.

5) Cleaning

(cue impending panic attack)

If I weren’t so compulsive about cleanliness I would probably work a lot faster. Omg, there’s a dish in the sink. That book needs to be dusted. I haven’t straightened up the fridge in 3 days. Did I fold all my socks correctly? It’s impossible to concentrate unless the apartment is absolutely immaculate. In fact, right now I should probably clean and get another latte.

Editor’s note: it took me 4 days to write this post.