14 Things I’m Anticipating On Blah-Ven-Tine’s Day

As someone who was in a 9 year relationship, I didn’t have to worry about making plans on Blah-Ven-Tine’s Day for nearly a decade.

But now that I’ve migrated to an “It’s Complicated” status (don’t ask),  I feel some animosity toward Valentine’s Day.

It’s a holiday for couples. For the people who look into each others’ eyes and say “I am SO f*cking lucky to have you.”

I can assure you that I’m not bitter. It’s just that my membership to the Coupled Up Club has been temporarily suspended, and I want my chocolate-y, champagne-y holiday back. Ok fine, I’ll admit it…I’m f*cking dripping in envy.

So I’m bracing myself for the sappy sweet onslaught of Blah-Ven-Tine’s inevitabilities, such as….

1) “OMG, look what my hubby sent me! My coworkers are sooooo jealous! #blessed” (In case you couldn’t tell, $10,000 worth of roses and high heels are a bad combo.)

2)  “OMG. I love seeing that shade of blue. #luckygirl” (Apparently you haven’t earned a Harry Winston quite yet.)

3) “I swear, I’m only gonna have one! Bikini season is right around the corner! #chocoholic” (Atta girl, you keep on eating those feelings. Then pass that candy bar my way.)

4) “My date for the evening. It’s #purrfect.” (This may or may not closely resemble my plans for the evening…)

5) “Look what Cupid delivered to my cubicle! At least I’m getting in a couple servings of fruit, right? LOLZZZ!” (Translated: your sweetheart couldn’t be bothered to pay for actual roses.)

6) “Awww look what my kid drew for me! Mommy’s little Valentine! #ChildProdigy #Gifted” (Yes, and the pile of spaghetti sauce they left on the table is also considered valuable artwork.)

7) “I’ve always loved these! #Classic” (FYI, anyone who likes these has clearly been alleviated from having taste buds, and probably also likes candy corn. You’re stupid.)

8) “Just treating myself to a nice glass of Valentine’s Day vino! #merlot #yolo #brb”

Don’t lie to yourself – you’ll throw back a coupla bottles before the night’s over.

9) “Gettin’ in the Valentine’s Day spirit! #mani” (These are perfect to claw my eyes out when looking at all your Facebook/ Twitter/ Instagram Valentine’s Day #humblebrags.)

10) “Thanks Waze! Think I should give this screenshot to my husband? LOLZZZ #technology” (Go f*ck yourself. Waze and Siri should go on a date and leave me the hell alone.)

11) “My babes made pink pasta for V-day dinner! #bae #CarbsAreOkJustThisOnce” (I hope you get pink food poisoning.)

12) “Happy Gal-En-Tine’s Day! Out with my girls and loving life! #SoFetch #WeSoCrayCray #BubblyForDays” (I hope you were able to drink away your poor self esteem.)

13) “Cue all the Valentine’s Day memes about single people complaining about being single.” (Don’t hate on memes. They’re all we have when we’re crying ourselves to sleep after listening to Taylor Swift.)

14) “Cupcakes anyone? #SugarComa”  (Nothing snarky to say here. Cupcakes are the shiznit.)

I hope you all have a nice Blah-Ven-Tine’s Day!

And just to leave this on a positive note to prove that I’m not a sad cynical betch:

11 Lessons I Learned Over The Holiday

1) I’m totes moving to Turks & Caicos.

Byeeeee Los Angeles.

2) New obsession…PIANO BARS!!!

There’s something about those musicians….

3) Souvenir shot glasses are way rad…until you remember that you have to stuff 12,000 pieces of glassware in your suitcase without breaking them.

Crap. This seemed like a good idea during dinner.

4) Zip-lining is the SHIZNIT….especially when you have perfect form.

Tree, meet crotch. Crotch, meet tree.

5) Towel animals are also the SHIZNIT….until you walk in to your room and have a f*cking heart attack cuz it looks like the staff hung a mummy from your ceiling.

Aww, that’s cute!

Aww, that’s SUPER CUTE!

HOLY F***ING SH*T, WTF IS THAT?!?!?

6) Sibling selfies are way rad.

Hey, let’s take another blurry/poorly-framed one over here!

7) Puerto Rican kitties are stunning.

Meow. I know I’m gorgeous. Move along, stupid American girl.

8) In Nassau, please do not solicit, hawk, and especially do not loaf.

Yeah, you loafers, they’re talking to you.

9) Pointless foot selfies are….well….pointless.

Hey, look, my feet in front of a sky! Simply groundbreaking.

10) Johnnie Walker Black is my favorite man on earth.

He’s a seductive sexy beast.

11) If I ever join an online dating service, I know what to tell potential suitors.