14 Things I’m Anticipating On Blah-Ven-Tine’s Day

As someone who was in a 9 year relationship, I didn’t have to worry about making plans on Blah-Ven-Tine’s Day for nearly a decade.

But now that I’ve migrated to an “It’s Complicated” status (don’t ask),  I feel some animosity toward Valentine’s Day.

It’s a holiday for couples. For the people who look into each others’ eyes and say “I am SO f*cking lucky to have you.”

I can assure you that I’m not bitter. It’s just that my membership to the Coupled Up Club has been temporarily suspended, and I want my chocolate-y, champagne-y holiday back. Ok fine, I’ll admit it…I’m f*cking dripping in envy.

So I’m bracing myself for the sappy sweet onslaught of Blah-Ven-Tine’s inevitabilities, such as….

1) “OMG, look what my hubby sent me! My coworkers are sooooo jealous! #blessed” (In case you couldn’t tell, $10,000 worth of roses and high heels are a bad combo.)

2)  “OMG. I love seeing that shade of blue. #luckygirl” (Apparently you haven’t earned a Harry Winston quite yet.)

3) “I swear, I’m only gonna have one! Bikini season is right around the corner! #chocoholic” (Atta girl, you keep on eating those feelings. Then pass that candy bar my way.)

4) “My date for the evening. It’s #purrfect.” (This may or may not closely resemble my plans for the evening…)

5) “Look what Cupid delivered to my cubicle! At least I’m getting in a couple servings of fruit, right? LOLZZZ!” (Translated: your sweetheart couldn’t be bothered to pay for actual roses.)

6) “Awww look what my kid drew for me! Mommy’s little Valentine! #ChildProdigy #Gifted” (Yes, and the pile of spaghetti sauce they left on the table is also considered valuable artwork.)

7) “I’ve always loved these! #Classic” (FYI, anyone who likes these has clearly been alleviated from having taste buds, and probably also likes candy corn. You’re stupid.)

8) “Just treating myself to a nice glass of Valentine’s Day vino! #merlot #yolo #brb”

Don’t lie to yourself – you’ll throw back a coupla bottles before the night’s over.

9) “Gettin’ in the Valentine’s Day spirit! #mani” (These are perfect to claw my eyes out when looking at all your Facebook/ Twitter/ Instagram Valentine’s Day #humblebrags.)

10) “Thanks Waze! Think I should give this screenshot to my husband? LOLZZZ #technology” (Go f*ck yourself. Waze and Siri should go on a date and leave me the hell alone.)

11) “My babes made pink pasta for V-day dinner! #bae #CarbsAreOkJustThisOnce” (I hope you get pink food poisoning.)

12) “Happy Gal-En-Tine’s Day! Out with my girls and loving life! #SoFetch #WeSoCrayCray #BubblyForDays” (I hope you were able to drink away your poor self esteem.)

13) “Cue all the Valentine’s Day memes about single people complaining about being single.” (Don’t hate on memes. They’re all we have when we’re crying ourselves to sleep after listening to Taylor Swift.)

14) “Cupcakes anyone? #SugarComa”  (Nothing snarky to say here. Cupcakes are the shiznit.)

I hope you all have a nice Blah-Ven-Tine’s Day!

And just to leave this on a positive note to prove that I’m not a sad cynical betch:

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, And Something…Purple

I’ll admit it – I’m a lucky girl. When I decided to take a risk and embark on a totally new career path back in September, there were a couple of weeks where I looked in the mirror and said, “Crap, WTF did I just do?!?” But I’ve been very fortunate and I’m incredibly grateful. I currently do some freelance writing in the wedding/ event planning industry, and it’s FUN! Even though I’m not the most feminine individual (refer to “10 Reasons It Rules To Be A Tomboy”), I enjoy doing research, getting lost in wedding blogs, and reading about people in their element of matrimonial glory.

Being submerged in Bride-a-Palooza has naturally caused me to ponder the whole tradition of marriage. I think it’s a wonderful thing, committing yourself to your spouse and declaring yourselves lifelong partners. But I’ve realized that I’ll NEVER be able to adhere to the more TRADITIONAL side of this tradition. For example:

1) There’s no way I can wear a white dress.

Let’s be honest. I’m pale. I’m practically translucent. If I wear white, it’ll be like I tossed on an invisibility cloak:

And even with a supremely dark tan, I’m still like:

Pale issues aside, I just don’t like the color white. I’m messy. I spill stuff. I trip on everything (refer to “Kimmy The Klutz”) and I drop glassware like it’s no one’s business. GUARANTEED my white dress would be covered in wine, grease, whiskey, Sharpie, mud, and someone else’s lipstick before I even make it to the altar.

I’ve always thought purple is sexy. And it hides stains. Sorry Dad, but you’re totes walking me down the aisle in something like this. Just accept it. I’m gonna be a Pretty Purple Princess.

2) There’s no way I’m going to wear heels.

Yeah. When I wear heels, it usually ends like this:

Does this boot make my foot look fat?

I’ve been a Chuck Taylor loyalist for as long as I can remember. The way I see it, I probably shouldn’t forgo comfort and style just to risk breaking an ankle. If I end up in the hospital on my wedding day, I want it to be because I ate too much cake, not because I need my foot x-rayed.

3) There’s no way I’m changing my name.

If Tronic was your last name, would you change it?

‘Nuff said.

4) Diamonds are not my best friend.

What? You call this gaudy?

Glittery, expensive Tiffany rings are gorgeous to look at…but they’re not me. A radiant, flawless, 5-carat, $100,000 sparkler would get lost. It would get stolen. I’d probably destroy it in the garbage disposal. Or just forget that I took it off when I was taking whiskey shots, until I woke up the next day, hungover and panicked.

Now, a kick-ass affordable black ring…now we’re talking. Only $1500 to buy your way into my heart.

Black is the new…black.

5) Flowers: faux is my favorite way to go.

Nothing is better than the fresh scent of a new bouquet of flowers. But their life span is short. Too short. You can enjoy a lovely vase of roses at the wedding…but it makes me sad to think that the flowers die 2 days later.

Will my husband’s love for me wilt away just as easily?

Flowers made from felt, however..those will last foreverrr. I can have a rad keepsake from the big day. And they’re colorful, loud, and funky…just like me.

6) I want to rock my face off.

DJs need not apply. Yes, I love dancing to great tunes…but I want those tunes to be blasted from a live guitar, bass, drums, and a slightly intoxicated  singer. There’s just something electric about the energy of a live band playing songs that you love. I want to jump around. I want to sweat. I want to scream out song lyrics as I hand the band shots of whiskey.

Silver Needle and  Ex-Gentlemen, I hope you are available sometime in 2018! Can I start making song requests even though I’m not engaged yet? Also, if you guys could please start looking for powder blue or plum colored tuxedos, and cut off the sleeves, I would greatly appreciate it.

Don’t let their name fool you. These dapper, handsome gentlemen are guaranteed to make sweet love to your ears.

Yummy eye candy and will completely induce aural orgasms.

So if all of my matrimonial demands are met, I’ll consider getting married. Otherwise my future will look scarily like this:

Wanted: One Hubby

A few days ago, I was watching “There’s Something About Mary” and couldn’t help but snicker when one of my favorite scenes came on. Mary is having lunch with a few girlfriends and describes her perfect man:

“I want a guy who can play 36 holes and still have enough energy to take me and Warren to a ballgame and eat hot dogs, I’m talkin’ sausage hot dogs, and beer, not light beer, but beer…that’s my ad, print it up!”

This got me thinking. If I had to write a Want Ad for the perfect mate, what would it sound like?

19-year-old-me would have written:

Seeking hot Masshole who smokes Parliaments and wears baggy pants.

Must love techno, staying up all night, skateboarding, and illegal activities.

Bonus points are awarded for tattoos, piercings, goatees and pink hair.

Would prefer that you have a car, don’t live with your parents, and have never been arrested (but these requests are not deal-breakers).

You will be expected to attend raves, buy me illicit substances, and not be weirded out when I jump into cuddle puddles filled with sweaty teenagers.

If you meet these criteria, please come over with Doritos, a freshly packed bong, and the latest from Paul Oakenfold.

33-year-old me would write:

Seeking intelligent beefcake who enjoys sarcasm and using lint rollers.

Must love cats, organizing your sock drawer, and celebrity gossip.

Bonus points are awarded if you vacuum more than 3 times a week, alphabetize your books and CDs, and rearrange your fridge for fun.

Would prefer that you can cook,  own a nice suit, and have an obsession with hot sauce (but these requests are not deal-breakers).

You will be expected to compete in Tough Mudders, put up with my neuroses, and keep your apartment immaculate at all times.

If you meet these criteria, please come over with banana peppers, a bottle of Jamesons, and the latest copy of In Touch Weekly.

Everything I Know About Love I Learned from Marketing

Whoever said that love and marketing have nothing to do with each other clearly knows nothing about love. Or marketing. I compiled a checklist to help make sure that your next campaign for romance will be successful.

Ladies, listen up.

Make sure to clearly define your expectations upfront.

This means letting him know that you expect to be treated like a queen. Or goddess. Foot massages are expected on a daily basis, in addition to kisses, hugs, and constantly asking how your day was. He will be expected to agree that yes, your coworker was a bitch today, and her butt HAS been getting fatter (even though he’s never met her).

Make sure his strategy is well-planned.

He must always have a clear plan for keeping this relationship afloat. His strategy should be perfectly aligned with your expectations, and if not, then you need to ensure he understands his role. Communication must be concise. If need be, leave notes in his pockets and on his windshield. Men like being corrected if they’re doing something wrong.

Make sure to conduct the 4 C’s analysis:

Cuddling: He must be the big spoon. Cuddling must occur outside the bedroom – it should be incorporated into scary movie nights, PMS, or after your bitchy coworker implied that your butt is bigger than hers.

Cooperative: He must get along with your friends, and agree even when they’re wrong.

Cocky: If he’s an ego-maniac, he’s out. Confidence is fine, but cockiness is uglier than his stupid shirt with the popped collar and bedazzled dragon.

Cats: If he doesn’t like cats, he’s out. Plain and simple.

Make sure that his key deliverables are on-time, and within budget.

Deliverables may include, but are not limited to: roses, jewelry, alcohol, books, tabloids, clothing, household appliances, toys for the cats, tickets to a show, funny cards, banana peppers, bottles of Sriracha, or Apple products. Bonus points if the deliverables are given ahead of schedule.

Make sure to explore all key areas of opportunity.

Ladies, areas of opportunity may include, but are not limited to: having him run your errands, wash your car, and clean your pool in a man-thong. If you do not have a pool, he can clean your tub in the man-thong (silver sparkles or leopard print are usually best).

If you follow these simple guidelines, you are sure to run a successful relationship campaign. And if you’re really on track, you may even get him to submit a proposal.