#KnockIfOffNow: 10 Twitter Habits That Need To Fly The Coop 

twitter bird

With something like a bazillion users, Twitter is a hugely diverse forum for jokes, news, shameless self-promotion, mean comments (hi trolls), conversations surrounding tv/ films/ games, making new digital friends and customer service complaints.

Whatever your reason for frolicking around the Twitterverse, please remember that we’re all children in the same online playground, and there are some behaviors that need a giant time-out.

time out

1) Look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME!

When your entire feed is composed of “I wrote a blog post” and “I wrote another blog post” and “I wrote an even better blog post” and “I won an award for my latest blog post,” it’s hard to look past your egocentric stream.

me

2) Checking in to every location you visit.

After Foursquare came and went, I figured the only purpose of geolocation was to help sexually active Grindr and Tinder users to find one another. Otherwise, why check into a location? I understand if you check into a concert venue because you’re PSYCHED to see so-and-so band, but why check into a Starbucks, or into your office? Are you that thrilled to be there? Or are you just trying to prove that you leave your house?

check in

3) Giving a hashtag to every day if the week.

A scrumptious sexy food pic on #TacoTuesday or an embarrassing 6th grade photo for #ThrowbackThursday = good fun and amusing. But observing #MotivationMonday, #WorkoutWednesday, #FollowFriday, and #SundayFunday and every single Hashtag Holiday…perhaps you can consider #StopItSaturday. Can we all agree to simply celebrate just ONE Hashtag Holiday per week?

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4) Speaking of hashtags, #you #don’t #need #to #use #a #million #of #them.

Hashtags are like cocktails – in moderation they’re fine, but if you indulge too much, you become a public nuisance.

hashtags

5) Anyone who wishes everyone a Happy Hump Day, or a Happy Monday, or a Happy Friday. 

hump day

6) Brands who tweet because they think they should.

As a brand, you’re not giving your followers any sort of value by saying “Happy Columbus Day from our team here at Staples!” #ThinkBeforeYouTweet

worst tweet

7) Cluttering your daily Twitter feed with 83 retweeted articles.

I totally support retweeting an article that you find funny or useful or interesting. But when you barrage your followers 15 times a day with nonsense like “5 Ways To Advertise On AOL” and other industry-related garble, you’re clogging up the Twitter ecosystem by attempting to prove that you’re intelligent and you can read. Exercise some self control and limit yourself to 1 or 2 of these “smarticles” each day.

smart

8) Spewing hatred.

There’s a world of difference between a thoughtful debate and trash talking/ trolling/ mean-spirited vitriol.

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9) Worthless/ spammy stats.

“My best tweets this week came from…”
“My Twitter account is worth a gazillion dollars, how much is your worth?”
“Here’s who followed and unfollowed me this week…”

I suppose this calls for a “congratulations?” <cue sarcastic applause>

twitter spam

10) Clickbait.

“The man saw  a stick on the road. When he picked it up, you won’t believe what he found…”

Please stop sending out clickbait into the Twittersphere. If an article or blogpost has to hide its main point behind a taunting title, it likely wasn’t worth the energy you expended by clicking your mouse.

clickbait

A Few Random Images From My Phone That Pretty Much Sum It All Up

Every now and then, I like to back up my iPhone and transfer all my photos onto the cloud. Gives me peace of mind, and keeps the clutter to a minimum.

Here’s what I found from my latest phone-declutter sesh…

1) Sometimes when you’re stuck in traffic, you take a screenshot of Waze so you can remember it later.

2) Hungry? No need to search for Italian, Mexican, Thai…just look for a “nice dinner.”

photo (2)

3) I like reminders to keep my anxiety at bay.

4) Baby carrots sure can act like adults. #ew

5) Santa Kitty is not excited to keep my feet warm.

6) My dad is the most adorable dad to ever dad.

7) Be right back, gotta go see a girl about a cookie.

8) That moment when you step on a scale after a few weeks of eating cookies.

9) My dream man is dreamy and purply pink.

10) I appreciate when things are accurately labeled.

11) Sometimes a girl’s just gotta dance. To ska tunes. In Jamaica.

12) Blue-nicorns are mystical creatures and they like sales. Savings are that-a-way!

13) I have really good hair days.

14) Under my sassy exterior, I really only want one thing.

You Better Tech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

During a time when technology is king, and we’re always on the lookout for the cooler/ faster/ bigger/ better/ shinier gadget, it’s truly amazing to see tech spill into every aspect of our lives.

(I’m keeping my eyes peeled for an iHubby.)

Remember when we used to look up movie times in a newspaper? And to that end, remember newspapers? Remember listening to your Walkman when you went running? Remember what computers used to look like?

Then we enjoyed  the advances in science/ machinery/ Hogwarts wizardry and got to order pizzas from our laptops and stalk our ex-boyfriends from the privacy of our cellphones. (Editor’s note: I totes don’t engage in either of those behaviors.)

I recently came across a Wired article about an apparatus that seems like a magical appliance from the faraway future. A self-touted “liquid library that combines the benefits of alcohol and apps,” this device acts as your digital mixologist.

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How cool is that? You order a drink from your smartphone or tablet and your iBartender (not the official name) dispenses your cocktail of choice. Added bonus: “The system also sends the host or bar owner email reminders when they’re running low on a specific spirit, creating an Amazon-esque reorder mechanism to ensure that users drink responsibly, but efficiently.”

So obviously this is rather fantastic. But the more I thought about it, the more disheartened I became. I gotta admit – as much as I love technology, at a certain point, I feel like there’s an element of dehumanization. There are “outdated” things that I prefer over their newer, tech-driven counterpoints, like:

Blockbuster

Go ahead, make fun of me and laugh. You done giggling yet? Sorry, but I truly enjoyed the experience of driving to my local Blockbuster and slowly meandering around the store. I adored picking up the DVD boxes, reading the synopsis, and studying the photos. I always grabbed popcorn and snacks on the way out and chatted with the hilarious, sarcastic employees who had an endless pit of knowledge about every movie ever made. Netflix is heartless.

MapQuest

Yes, I know that MapQuest kind of sucks. It doesn’t anticipate traffic jams. Or road closures. Or anything useful at all. Maybe I’m just attached to the process of printing out directions and stuffing them into my purse. Then finding them crumpled up under my seat 5 months later, as I reminisce about how friggin lost I got by listening to Mapquest. #ShutUp

A pen and paper

There’s something comforting about scribbling out notes/ ideas/ jokes onto a piece of paper that really resonates with me. It’s a feeling that can’t be duplicated by typing those same words onto a Word doc. For some reason, when I transfer ideas from my brain into a notebook, with a pen as the middleman, the concepts take shape and begin to make sense. Plus, I like to doodle hearts, flowers, and peace signs in the margins.

And now, with gizmos like Robo-Barkeep on the horizon (also not its official name), I’m still sticking to my guns. While these impressive technological innovations make life a little easier and a little more interesting, it also robs us of organic human interaction. Like, if I relied on Robo-Barkeep to sling my drinks at home, I wouldn’t venture out to awesome bars and befriend amazing people like Alex Goode.