1) Because I’m not expected to cook.
I admit that, yes, I SHOULD know how to cook, as a 33 year old single gal living by myself. But I don’t. And I realize this will likely render me an unsuitable wife, but I don’t really have the desire to learn how. I’m perfectly happy not owning an apron, not knowing how to turn on my oven, and just grabbing a bomb falafel sandwich from Whole Foods for dinner every night.
2) Because I can wear Chuck Taylors 7 days a week.
There is a small part of me that envies my girlfriends who strut around in 6 inch platforms like silky panthers gliding through a field, but I will never be that girl. I’ve been told that when in heels, I resemble a newborn giraffe with sad wobbly knees. On those days, faceplanting is a common occurrence.
3) Because when I do actually dress up, people are astounded.
These occasions are infrequent, but are always met with the same comments:
“WOH, Kimmy, you have a tattoo on your calf?”
“Damn, your legs are supremely pale.”
“I didn’t know you owned a skirt.”
“You look annoyed.”
“Why do you have sweatpants and flip flops stuffed into your purse?”
4) Because I can swear like a sailor.
I know this isn’t the most attractive habit, but what do you expect? I’m a Masshole. Half the time I don’t even realize I’ve dropped 4 f-bombs in one sentence. I’ve tried using swear jars in the past, but I get too f*cking annoyed at how many time I have to throw in money and end up smashing the jar against the f*cking wall.
5) Because I don’t have to get my nails done every week.
For a few months in high school, I had those acrylic tips attached to my nails. They looked awesome and feminine. But much like the girls who wear them, acrylics are annoying, high maintenance, and expensive. I soon bit off the acrylic tips one by one and spent the money I saved on marijuana.
6) Because I can be loud and obnoxious.
Anyone within a 50 mile radius knows that I’m loud. I used to be a little self-conscious about how loud I am, but I’ve stopped caring. Years of raving have destroyed my hearing, so most of the time I don’t realize that my decibel level rivals that of a fire engine. On the plus side, if I lose you at an amusement park, I’ll find you within 10 minutes, guaranteed.
7) Because my idea of flirting usually consists of insulting a dude.
Sure, the normal way to flirt with a guy is to ask questions, have good conversation, and toss in a few compliments. I prefer to discover your insecurities then make you feel bad about them. I’ve heard men like it when you belittle them.
8) Because punching stuff is incredibly satisfying.
I’ve never gotten into a fistfight, but if I were a man, there’s no doubt I’d have thrown some punches in a drunken stupor during college. Luckily I found a healthier outlet for this sensation in the form of boxing lessons. There’s something inexplicably fulfilling about hearing the thwack of your boxing glove as it makes contact with your trainer’s stomach.
9) Because getting dirty is a filthy good time.
If you’ve never tried a Tough Mudder or other mud/ obstacle race, I highly recommend signing up immediately. If you’re wondering why they are so amazing, think back to when you were a kid. You played in the mud. You rolled around in the dirt. Your impeccably clean little Fruit of the Loom Tshirt would come back to Mom all disgusting and she would sigh as she threw it in the washing machine. Because getting messy and dirty was fun back then, and it’s still fun now.
10) Because whiskey shots!