Sartronic: New Study Indicates That Men Love Ultimatums

Ultimatum

WESTWOOD, CA – Experts at the University of California Psychology Department released a new study on Friday that revealed men love ultimatums. A comprehensive research process gathered data from more than 5,000 males who’ve all received ultimatums from their significant other, and results showed that nearly all of the participants were grateful that their girlfriend or fiancé forced them into a decision that they wouldn’t have made otherwise.

“We’re thrilled to see that men enjoy caving in to womens’ demands, despite prior evidence to the contrary,” said Brian Doyle, Director of UCLA ’s Behavioral Lab. “Our statistics show that unless a man is challenged and backed into a corner, a woman may never get what she wants. And once he gives in to her, he’ll be grateful that he had to put his ego and self-respect aside.”

Doyle’s team spent hours drawing Venn diagrams and pie charts to develop theories about this attitudinal shift. David Clark, Head of Research at the institute, believes that after dominating the business world for so long, men are happy to sit back and let women dictate every detail of their personal lives. “It really makes sense when you think about it,” said Clark. “A man would never actually want to get married or have a baby. Having a woman manipulate him into achieving these life milestones is a refreshing and welcome change from his previously fulfilling and carefree lifestyle.”

Local customer service representative Allen Paisley echoed the same sentiment, noting that before he married Leslie, his wife of 4 years, he had major commitment issues. “I used to hate when girls slept over – they were just so clingy and needy. When Leslie and I started dating, I wouldn’t even let her keep a toothbrush here. And I probably could have just kept on dating her forever but eventually she said we’re either breaking up, or getting married. I think by pressuring me into marrying her, she made me a better person.” At press time, Paisley was staring aimlessly into his lukewarm cup of coffee.

Sartronic: Local Girlfriend Pretends To Care About Football

football

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Tilting her head slightly to the side so it’d appear that she was actually interested and paying attention, local girlfriend Katie Titus waited patiently for Shawn Williams to finish explaining why the Broncos would win the Superbowl this year. Though the couple has reportedly been dating for over 2 years, Katie never disclosed the fact that she f*cking hates football. “Since I’m from Massachusetts, I’m supposed to be some diehard Patriots fan but honestly, I couldn’t care less. It’s wicked annoying that a 15 minute quarter actually turns into a f*cking hour because they keep stopping the stupid clock. And football fans are the most annoying people in the world. You don’t need to get up and scream every time there’s a tackle or something. Plus, I hate when Shawn goes to a bar at 10 in the morning and has beer with his eggs.” At press time, Shawn was clapping loudly about a touchdown while Katie contemplated how many Sex & The City reruns she’d force Shawn to watch later that day.

Sartronic: Idiot Client Can’t Figure Out How To Update Internet Explorer

IE

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Scrunching up his face in baffled confusion, local entrepreneur Elliot Walden scratched his balding head as he asked web developer Andy Beck how to upgrade his goshdarn Internet Explorer. Beck was recently hired by Walden to make some website updates, since Walden’s online sock shop just rolled out some exciting new styles. It’s reported that Beck made the requested changes within a few hours, but Walden wasn’t able to see the new argyle apparel as he eagerly clicked from page to page. Beck calmly informed Walden that he needed to upgrade the Internet Explorer on his 2007 Dell, but Walden demanded to be walked through this complicated doggone process. “I mean, this guy is such a moron. He doesn’t even know how to clear his browser history. And who the hell even uses Internet Explorer anymore? It’s bad enough he has an AOL email address,” griped Beck. At press time, Walden was asking Beck if he should be pressing the Control, Alt, or Delete keys, looking thoroughly befuddled.

Forget Content, Caffeine Is King

Problem

Like any normal human, I absolutely cannot start my morning without a hit of caffeine. My brain refuses to function without a liquid lightning bolt to zap it awake. On more than one occasion, the coffee shop cashier asks what I want, and I stutter, “Uhhh…a lerge coofee..sorry, a big ice brew…a large COFFEE!” Luckily my baristas know me by name and can usually decipher my derpity-derps.

coffee derp

As my caffeine intake has steadily increased over the last year (thanks, 50 hour work week!) so has my need for specific types of caffeine throughout the day. I’ve found that different types of caffeine can solve different problems during my 9-7 whirlwind.

For example…

Red Bull

Problem: It’s 7am and my bed is way warmer than a cold gym.
Solution: This carbonated poison surges through my veins and guarantees an effortless trip to the treadmill. (Though the bubbly sensation of barfing may come and go after a couple of miles.)

red bull

5 Hour Energy

Problem:
I ran out of Red Bull.
Solution:
A mini slurp of this syrupy toxin makes me invincible during my morning jog. (Also, reference previous point about bubbly barfing.)

5 hour

Starbucks Cold Brew

Problem: I’ve finished my work out but after a quick shower and breakfast, am needing an energy burst to deal with the commuters along Sunset Blvd who totally forgot how to drive.
Solution:
A venti bucket of liquid cocaine and 2 packs of stevia keep me vibrating around my cubicle for the next few hours.

Cold brew

Regular Starbucks Iced Coffee

Problem: Starbucks has run out of the cold brew.
Solution:
A weak version of cold brew and 2 packs of stevia at least alleviate the caffeine headache, but still leaves me a little sad.

ice coffee

Starbucks Bottled Frappuccino Drinks

Problem: I’m too lazy to wait in line at Starbucks for my late afternoon buzz.
Solution:
A 5 dollar bottle of cream.

starbucks 2

Starbucks Gingerbread Latte/ Toasted Graham Latte/ Peppermint Latte

Problem: I’m fantasizing about stuffing a whole cake into my mouth circa 4pm.
Solution:
Drinking 100 grams of sugar and letting go of any dignity earned from jogging earlier today.

starbucks-2

#KnockIfOffNow: 10 Twitter Habits That Need To Fly The Coop 

twitter bird

With something like a bazillion users, Twitter is a hugely diverse forum for jokes, news, shameless self-promotion, mean comments (hi trolls), conversations surrounding tv/ films/ games, making new digital friends and customer service complaints.

Whatever your reason for frolicking around the Twitterverse, please remember that we’re all children in the same online playground, and there are some behaviors that need a giant time-out.

time out

1) Look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME!

When your entire feed is composed of “I wrote a blog post” and “I wrote another blog post” and “I wrote an even better blog post” and “I won an award for my latest blog post,” it’s hard to look past your egocentric stream.

me

2) Checking in to every location you visit.

After Foursquare came and went, I figured the only purpose of geolocation was to help sexually active Grindr and Tinder users to find one another. Otherwise, why check into a location? I understand if you check into a concert venue because you’re PSYCHED to see so-and-so band, but why check into a Starbucks, or into your office? Are you that thrilled to be there? Or are you just trying to prove that you leave your house?

check in

3) Giving a hashtag to every day if the week.

A scrumptious sexy food pic on #TacoTuesday or an embarrassing 6th grade photo for #ThrowbackThursday = good fun and amusing. But observing #MotivationMonday, #WorkoutWednesday, #FollowFriday, and #SundayFunday and every single Hashtag Holiday…perhaps you can consider #StopItSaturday. Can we all agree to simply celebrate just ONE Hashtag Holiday per week?

Slide1

4) Speaking of hashtags, #you #don’t #need #to #use #a #million #of #them.

Hashtags are like cocktails – in moderation they’re fine, but if you indulge too much, you become a public nuisance.

hashtags

5) Anyone who wishes everyone a Happy Hump Day, or a Happy Monday, or a Happy Friday. 

hump day

6) Brands who tweet because they think they should.

As a brand, you’re not giving your followers any sort of value by saying “Happy Columbus Day from our team here at Staples!” #ThinkBeforeYouTweet

worst tweet

7) Cluttering your daily Twitter feed with 83 retweeted articles.

I totally support retweeting an article that you find funny or useful or interesting. But when you barrage your followers 15 times a day with nonsense like “5 Ways To Advertise On AOL” and other industry-related garble, you’re clogging up the Twitter ecosystem by attempting to prove that you’re intelligent and you can read. Exercise some self control and limit yourself to 1 or 2 of these “smarticles” each day.

smart

8) Spewing hatred.

There’s a world of difference between a thoughtful debate and trash talking/ trolling/ mean-spirited vitriol.

Troll-640x426

9) Worthless/ spammy stats.

“My best tweets this week came from…”
“My Twitter account is worth a gazillion dollars, how much is your worth?”
“Here’s who followed and unfollowed me this week…”

I suppose this calls for a “congratulations?” <cue sarcastic applause>

twitter spam

10) Clickbait.

“The man saw  a stick on the road. When he picked it up, you won’t believe what he found…”

Please stop sending out clickbait into the Twittersphere. If an article or blogpost has to hide its main point behind a taunting title, it likely wasn’t worth the energy you expended by clicking your mouse.

clickbait

8 Things That I Need Right Meow

Need

Remember back in the 90s, if you wanted to go shopping, you had to haul your tush to the mall and actually walk into stores? Oh, the horror!

Thanks to the wonderful World Wide Interwebs, shopping has become hauntingly convenient, and I can merge my love of being lazy with my love of purchasing weird things. In recent weeks I’ve discovered some amazing products that are now waiting patiently on my Christmas list.

1) Martini Cat Condo
This rules because:
 it’s quieter and prettier than the empty grocery bags that my kitties play with. And I’ll feel less alone when sipping martinis by myself on a Tuesday night in my sweatpants.

Cat Condo

2) Snoozy Desk
This rules because:
apparently sleeping at your desk during the work day makes you an incompetent employee, and this brilliant invention lets you sneak in a nice disco nap on your lunch break.

Desk Naps

3) Shower Time = Wine Time
This rules because:
every basic girl needs a glass of vino while she gets ready.

Shower Wine

4) Chambong
This rules because:
chugging champagne from a normal champagne glass is cumbersome, and the Chambong allows me to chug bubbly while remaining classy and demure.

Chambong

5) Human/ Pet Hybrid Bed
This rules because:
my cats can stop crowding me into a corner on my gigantic California King bed, and maybe I’ll enjoy a night of uninterrupted slumber.

Pet bed

6) Coolest Sofa In The World
This rules because: it’s basically a giant bed (without the implied sexual undertones) for boozy group Netflix nights.

Sofa

7) Tetris Storage Benches
These rule because: I can prove how great I am at Tetris while utilizing these cute colorful benches for both storage and sitting. Win win win.

Tetris benches

8) Beer Cap Map
This rules because:
I finally have somewhere to put the beer caps that my cats incessantly bat around the bathroom floor.

Beer Map

Not featured on the list is a wall made of Velcro, which I am currently hunting for. Any leads or suggestions are appreciated.

A Blast Of Atomic Proportions

Screen Shot 2015-07-30 at 12.59.29 PM

Sometimes an occasion comes along that’s so epic, so atomic, you can only do one thing – throw a party at your favorite 60s retro bar, Now Boarding.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Freddy Nager, founder of Atomic Tango (and my friend/ mentor/ fellow cat enthusiast) decided to embrace his inner Don Draper and celebrate his website relaunch with a touch of midcentury magnificence.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango, a digital magazine for creative professionals, features funny and intelligent musings on marketing, media, and (my personal favorite!) martinis. In fact, I’m thrilled to be a contributing writer – I’ll be bringing you the best cocktail recipes around town, so be sure to check in each week for #MartiniMondays!

2_Daywalker Lemonadejpg

I wanted to know what inspired Freddy to rebrand Atomic Tango, so he put down the glass long enough to kick back and dish out the details.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

How did you come up with the name for Atomic Tango?

First I had three martinis… No, seriously, I first set four criteria:

1. Easy to remember
2. Easy to spell
3. Easy to pronounce
4. Easy to get (no buying off domain name squatters)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

That last requirement requirement ruled out almost every one-word name in the universe, so I went for the compound name. I started with “Tango,” since it meets the first three requirements and represents what I think is the sexiest dance in the world. More relevant, the expression “it takes two to tango” can refer to “agency + client” or “creativity + strategy.”

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

For the other word, I selected “Atomic” because I love atomic-era design — i.e., mid-century modern, which I wanted to celebrate before Mad Men was even a show. The two words sounded good together, the name was available for a website and a trademark, and Atomic Tango beat out my other choice, which was “Artesian Brewing Company.”

But that’s another story. Plus, the name had the flexibility to be anything, not just a marketing agency.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

What inspired you to relaunch Atomic Tango as an online magazine?

I’m a magazine lover — I used to seek out new titles at magazine stands, which were community hubs that existed in medieval times. One of my favorite discoveries was Wired magazine — I bought the very first issue, and have been reading the publication cover to cover ever since. (I’m just kicking myself for not keeping all the early issues. Who knows what that collection would be worth?) Wired masterfully covers the intersection of culture and technology in an accessible and even engrossing way.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

And that made me wonder: why does deathly sterile Silicon Valley have such a cool magazine and vibrantly creative L.A. doesn’t? Sure, we’ve got the Hollywood Reporter and Los Angeles magazine, but one’s a jargon-laden trade publication and the other a lifestyle mag for trophy wives. No publication exists that covers the lives and thoughts of the everyday creative professionals who drive this city — people like my colleagues and my students.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

I wanted to cover marketing and media like Wired covers tech — without the technical details or gossip. I started doing so with my blog for Atomic Tango, and now I know so many talented writers, such as yourself, so creating a magazine made sense. Plus, it beat managing the business side of an agency.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

What can readers expect to see on Atomic Tango?

Colorful perspectives on marketing and media from people who actually practice it for a living — no ivory tower academics, and no pure fine artists hoping to strike it big. Nothing against those folks, since I have friends in both camps, but I think there’s an audience for articles by people with both hands-on expertise and experience in creative professions. Plus martini recipes. The media industry has been fueled by creative cocktails for generations. Hence the slogan, “For those who stir the imagination and leave the competition shaken.”

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

What’s next on the horizon for Atomic Tango?

Not just articles but products — designer T-shirts, music, books, hopefully even a bottled beverage. I’ve been helping companies grow their brands for years. I’m curious to now see how far Atomic Tango can go.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

And finally, we’ve got to give a shout out to the best outfit of the night, courtesy of Ashley Tolusic (Business Development Guru and local genius) for her throwback to Peggy Olsen.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)

peggy

Special thanks to all who made this event possible, and to all who attended!

Venue: Now Boarding
Photography: Chris Panagakis Photography
Food: Tony Spatafora, Dish It Out!
Spirits & Atomic Tango Cocktail: Alex Goode, brand representative for The Botanist Gin and Mount Gay Rum

Official Atomic Tango cocktail recipe:
1.5 ounces Mount Gay Black Barrel
.5 ounces The Botanist Gin
.75 ounces agave syrup
.75 ounces lime juice
6 mint leaves
3 drops Sriracha
Top soda

This drink is so good, you’ll just want to take a big bite out of life.

Atomic Tango Launch Party (July 25, 2015)