My Friends Are All…And I’m All…

adulting

My friends are all, “Can’t decide between the black granite vessel or Italian ceramic sink for our bathroom renovation” and I’m all, “Just watchin’ The Simpsons in mah underwear.”

sink

homer-simpson

My friends are all, “Crazy that my baby girl is starting 5th grade this week!” and I’m all, “Who’s coming to my kitty’s birthday party tomorrow?”

My friends are all, “So excited to make this garlic-rosemary-roasted-artichoke-chicken-and-pureed-leeks recipe I found on Pinterest!” and I’m all, “F*** you microwave for burning my frozen burrito.”

chicken

My friends are all, “5 year anniversary dinner with the hubs. #blessed” and I’m all, “I just used my sock as a napkin.”

candle dinner

My friends are all, “Poor Lillie is sobbing after she fell off her big girl bike & got a boo-boo on her knee,” and I’m all, “Moooooooom, I’m watching Rocky 4 and no one likes me.”

girl fell

My friends are all, “Just put in an offer for a 4 bedroom Colonial” and I’m all, “Better start claiming my cats as dependents if I wanna upgrade to a 1 bedroom apartment.”

house

pretty kitties

My friends are all, “Facebook check in: Boston to Bali via Amazeballs Airlines” and I’m all, “Guess who’s driving to Santa Monica and has two thumbs? This betch, that’s right.”

bali

traffic jam

My friends are all, “Beautiful roses from the hubs today for my birthday. #blessed #bae” and I’m all, “Cat barfed up my dying plant.”

kitty-plant

My friends are all, “So psyched to submit my film to Sundance!” and I’m all “I just wrote a blog post and my mom thinks I’m hilarious.”

writer

lisa

My friends are all, “Getting up at 7 to do yoga” and I’m all, “Stayed up til 2 watching informercials and eating cheese.”

yoga

cheese

Sartronic: Anxiety Coming Up With New, Innovative Things To Keep You Awake At Night

Insomnia

Despite a recent surge in sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medications, increased exercise routines, and healthy eating habits, local emotional trainwrecks have reported that they’re experiencing a flood of new topics that are disrupting their once-normal sleep routines. Even with remedies to combat nighttime restlessness, many anxiety-ridden adults have found that their efforts are a vain attempt to fight unrelenting mental turmoil.

Megan Rebart, an executive assistant at Hollings Realty, says that she used to be able to fall asleep right away, but now lies awake for 45 minutes each night freaking out about random sh*t. “It totally sucks,” gripes Rebart. “I’ll be reading a book in bed, trying to quiet my mind, when suddenly an explosion of adrenaline surges through my stomach and I want to barf.” Rebart claims the source of her newfound stress is natural disasters. “Sinkholes are freakin’ terrifying. Like, how scary is it that the ground can just collapse without any warning? Every time my boss sells a new house, I’m convinced their property is gonna cave in and get scorched by the earth’s crust.”

Ben Thompson, another basket case who works with Rebart, complains that his nocturnal freak outs are due to an annoying and pointless stream of consciousness. “My mind keeps jumping from one topic to another. It’s like WHAM, I sounded so stupid in today’s meeting, then WHAM, did I forget to lock the front door, WHAM, I just thought of the perfect comeback to that moron VP who insulted me from 3 jobs ago, and WHAM why has my lymph node been swollen this long, I probably have some deadly throat infection and need to check if that’s covered by my crappy insurance.”

Ben’s girlfriend Natalia suffers from relationship-related anxiety, but she recently discovered an untapped well of issues to fret about during bedtime. “I used to just bug out that he didn’t want to marry me. But the last few weeks, all I think about is how he doesn’t have a 401k, go to the dentist, own a passport, or cook his chicken all the way through. Our babies would be poor, toothless, and full of salmonella.” At press time, Natalia and Ben laid awake staring at the broken ceiling fan.

Sartronic: New Study Indicates That Men Love Ultimatums

Ultimatum

WESTWOOD, CA – Experts at the University of California Psychology Department released a new study on Friday that revealed men love ultimatums. A comprehensive research process gathered data from more than 5,000 males who’ve all received ultimatums from their significant other, and results showed that nearly all of the participants were grateful that their girlfriend or fiancé forced them into a decision that they wouldn’t have made otherwise.

“We’re thrilled to see that men enjoy caving in to womens’ demands, despite prior evidence to the contrary,” said Brian Doyle, Director of UCLA ’s Behavioral Lab. “Our statistics show that unless a man is challenged and backed into a corner, a woman may never get what she wants. And once he gives in to her, he’ll be grateful that he had to put his ego and self-respect aside.”

Doyle’s team spent hours drawing Venn diagrams and pie charts to develop theories about this attitudinal shift. David Clark, Head of Research at the institute, believes that after dominating the business world for so long, men are happy to sit back and let women dictate every detail of their personal lives. “It really makes sense when you think about it,” said Clark. “A man would never actually want to get married or have a baby. Having a woman manipulate him into achieving these life milestones is a refreshing and welcome change from his previously fulfilling and carefree lifestyle.”

Local customer service representative Allen Paisley echoed the same sentiment, noting that before he married Leslie, his wife of 4 years, he had major commitment issues. “I used to hate when girls slept over – they were just so clingy and needy. When Leslie and I started dating, I wouldn’t even let her keep a toothbrush here. And I probably could have just kept on dating her forever but eventually she said we’re either breaking up, or getting married. I think by pressuring me into marrying her, she made me a better person.” At press time, Paisley was staring aimlessly into his lukewarm cup of coffee.

Sartronic: Local Girlfriend Pretends To Care About Football

football

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Tilting her head slightly to the side so it’d appear that she was actually interested and paying attention, local girlfriend Katie Titus waited patiently for Shawn Williams to finish explaining why the Broncos would win the Superbowl this year. Though the couple has reportedly been dating for over 2 years, Katie never disclosed the fact that she f*cking hates football. “Since I’m from Massachusetts, I’m supposed to be some diehard Patriots fan but honestly, I couldn’t care less. It’s wicked annoying that a 15 minute quarter actually turns into a f*cking hour because they keep stopping the stupid clock. And football fans are the most annoying people in the world. You don’t need to get up and scream every time there’s a tackle or something. Plus, I hate when Shawn goes to a bar at 10 in the morning and has beer with his eggs.” At press time, Shawn was clapping loudly about a touchdown while Katie contemplated how many Sex & The City reruns she’d force Shawn to watch later that day.

Sartronic: Idiot Client Can’t Figure Out How To Update Internet Explorer

IE

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Scrunching up his face in baffled confusion, local entrepreneur Elliot Walden scratched his balding head as he asked web developer Andy Beck how to upgrade his goshdarn Internet Explorer. Beck was recently hired by Walden to make some website updates, since Walden’s online sock shop just rolled out some exciting new styles. It’s reported that Beck made the requested changes within a few hours, but Walden wasn’t able to see the new argyle apparel as he eagerly clicked from page to page. Beck calmly informed Walden that he needed to upgrade the Internet Explorer on his 2007 Dell, but Walden demanded to be walked through this complicated doggone process. “I mean, this guy is such a moron. He doesn’t even know how to clear his browser history. And who the hell even uses Internet Explorer anymore? It’s bad enough he has an AOL email address,” griped Beck. At press time, Walden was asking Beck if he should be pressing the Control, Alt, or Delete keys, looking thoroughly befuddled.

Forget Content, Caffeine Is King

Problem

Like any normal human, I absolutely cannot start my morning without a hit of caffeine. My brain refuses to function without a liquid lightning bolt to zap it awake. On more than one occasion, the coffee shop cashier asks what I want, and I stutter, “Uhhh…a lerge coofee..sorry, a big ice brew…a large COFFEE!” Luckily my baristas know me by name and can usually decipher my derpity-derps.

coffee derp

As my caffeine intake has steadily increased over the last year (thanks, 50 hour work week!) so has my need for specific types of caffeine throughout the day. I’ve found that different types of caffeine can solve different problems during my 9-7 whirlwind.

For example…

Red Bull

Problem: It’s 7am and my bed is way warmer than a cold gym.
Solution: This carbonated poison surges through my veins and guarantees an effortless trip to the treadmill. (Though the bubbly sensation of barfing may come and go after a couple of miles.)

red bull

5 Hour Energy

Problem:
I ran out of Red Bull.
Solution:
A mini slurp of this syrupy toxin makes me invincible during my morning jog. (Also, reference previous point about bubbly barfing.)

5 hour

Starbucks Cold Brew

Problem: I’ve finished my work out but after a quick shower and breakfast, am needing an energy burst to deal with the commuters along Sunset Blvd who totally forgot how to drive.
Solution:
A venti bucket of liquid cocaine and 2 packs of stevia keep me vibrating around my cubicle for the next few hours.

Cold brew

Regular Starbucks Iced Coffee

Problem: Starbucks has run out of the cold brew.
Solution:
A weak version of cold brew and 2 packs of stevia at least alleviate the caffeine headache, but still leaves me a little sad.

ice coffee

Starbucks Bottled Frappuccino Drinks

Problem: I’m too lazy to wait in line at Starbucks for my late afternoon buzz.
Solution:
A 5 dollar bottle of cream.

starbucks 2

Starbucks Gingerbread Latte/ Toasted Graham Latte/ Peppermint Latte

Problem: I’m fantasizing about stuffing a whole cake into my mouth circa 4pm.
Solution:
Drinking 100 grams of sugar and letting go of any dignity earned from jogging earlier today.

starbucks-2

#KnockIfOffNow: 10 Twitter Habits That Need To Fly The Coop 

twitter bird

With something like a bazillion users, Twitter is a hugely diverse forum for jokes, news, shameless self-promotion, mean comments (hi trolls), conversations surrounding tv/ films/ games, making new digital friends and customer service complaints.

Whatever your reason for frolicking around the Twitterverse, please remember that we’re all children in the same online playground, and there are some behaviors that need a giant time-out.

time out

1) Look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME!

When your entire feed is composed of “I wrote a blog post” and “I wrote another blog post” and “I wrote an even better blog post” and “I won an award for my latest blog post,” it’s hard to look past your egocentric stream.

me

2) Checking in to every location you visit.

After Foursquare came and went, I figured the only purpose of geolocation was to help sexually active Grindr and Tinder users to find one another. Otherwise, why check into a location? I understand if you check into a concert venue because you’re PSYCHED to see so-and-so band, but why check into a Starbucks, or into your office? Are you that thrilled to be there? Or are you just trying to prove that you leave your house?

check in

3) Giving a hashtag to every day if the week.

A scrumptious sexy food pic on #TacoTuesday or an embarrassing 6th grade photo for #ThrowbackThursday = good fun and amusing. But observing #MotivationMonday, #WorkoutWednesday, #FollowFriday, and #SundayFunday and every single Hashtag Holiday…perhaps you can consider #StopItSaturday. Can we all agree to simply celebrate just ONE Hashtag Holiday per week?

Slide1

4) Speaking of hashtags, #you #don’t #need #to #use #a #million #of #them.

Hashtags are like cocktails – in moderation they’re fine, but if you indulge too much, you become a public nuisance.

hashtags

5) Anyone who wishes everyone a Happy Hump Day, or a Happy Monday, or a Happy Friday. 

hump day

6) Brands who tweet because they think they should.

As a brand, you’re not giving your followers any sort of value by saying “Happy Columbus Day from our team here at Staples!” #ThinkBeforeYouTweet

worst tweet

7) Cluttering your daily Twitter feed with 83 retweeted articles.

I totally support retweeting an article that you find funny or useful or interesting. But when you barrage your followers 15 times a day with nonsense like “5 Ways To Advertise On AOL” and other industry-related garble, you’re clogging up the Twitter ecosystem by attempting to prove that you’re intelligent and you can read. Exercise some self control and limit yourself to 1 or 2 of these “smarticles” each day.

smart

8) Spewing hatred.

There’s a world of difference between a thoughtful debate and trash talking/ trolling/ mean-spirited vitriol.

Troll-640x426

9) Worthless/ spammy stats.

“My best tweets this week came from…”
“My Twitter account is worth a gazillion dollars, how much is your worth?”
“Here’s who followed and unfollowed me this week…”

I suppose this calls for a “congratulations?” <cue sarcastic applause>

twitter spam

10) Clickbait.

“The man saw  a stick on the road. When he picked it up, you won’t believe what he found…”

Please stop sending out clickbait into the Twittersphere. If an article or blogpost has to hide its main point behind a taunting title, it likely wasn’t worth the energy you expended by clicking your mouse.

clickbait